Monday, December 31, 2007

2007- Comes and Goes

As I sit here listening to All the Things That I've Done by the Killers as I write my end of year blog post I think the Killers' lyrics sum up 2007 pretty well.

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Thats 2007 in a nutshell for me.

2007 was the year I discovered Spring Awakening, Veronica Mars and How I Met Your Mother, three things that make me extremely happy. Give me any one of those things (and a scotch and soda) and I'm a happy camper. I'm so easy to please. I became a registered Marriage Officiant (just like Barney Stinson, seen in the photo above) and have so far stopped three Orthodox couples from living in sin (in the eyes of the Federal Government, they were already halachically wed at the time of the civil ceremony). My bro Alan just became engaged to an awesome girl. But I think they're going to go the more traditional route and have her Rabbi cousin oversee the nuptials. Oh well, their loss. I am hysterical in my ridiculous clergymember role. Anyhoo, things are looking up on the Susanne front.

Whether you are in New York, California, Colorado, Israel or Thailand, I hope you all have a Happy, Healthy, Safe and Legen-Wait for It-Dary New Year! Love ya!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Unsafe Sex leads to baby?!! Noooooo.....

I am pissed off at Jamie Lynn Spears. How dare she make Britney, the fodder of all my best jokes, look like the responsible sibling? Shame on you. Skank.

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's 16-year-old sister and star of the hit Nickelodeon TV show "Zoey 101" is pregnant.

JL was quoted by OK! Magazine saying "It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected. I was in complete and total shock and so was he."

In my current obsession Spring Awakening (and sorry for the spoiler kids) the main female character becomes pregnant. This was after she directly asked her mother where babies came from and her mother was too embarrassed to share with her the birds and the bees. All Wendla's mother told her was that to conceive you must be married and really love your husband. And then, voila, the baby comes. So when Wendla unknowingly conceives she tells her mom, but I'm not even married. Like Jamie Lynn, Wendla was also in shock. But seriously, did JL really not hear the news that sex leads to baby? Did mom Lynne Spears really not share with her daughter this crucial information? Better question, why hasn't Jamie Lynn seen Juno yet? Teenagers are no longer in the dark. This isn't 1890's Germany where Wendla was raised. If you get pregnant as a teenager nowadays, you don't have the right to be "in complete and total shock". Get a grip JL. You should have used a condom.

At least her sister Britney knew how to play the game. She swore to her legions of loyal pre-teen fans that she was a virgin at 16 because at least then she realized how impressionable these kids were. Or how lucrative her association with Disney was. Whichever. And this was while her boyfriend Justin Timberlake was beginning to tell a very different story. Of course everything since has gone downhill for trainwreck Britney. But at least back then, she knew what it meant to be a moral leader to pre-pubescents. I can't believe I'm saying this, but props to Britney. Next time make sure your kid sister is listening.

I'm taking bets for how quickly Jamie Lynn's hit Nickelodeon TV show will be off the air. They have already completed taping an entire additional season. Will it ever be aired? When will parents start picketing at Nickelodeon headquarters? Will there be room for them to picket alongside all the Writers Guild members? I give it one month.

Thanks to the Rabbi I share my corner office with this Newsweek article from October 2nd of this year was brought to me attention. It opens with: Jamie Lynn Spears wants to be known as a great actress—no drama, antics or tabloids involved. It then notes the trials of other tween celebrities like Miley Cyrus of "Hannah Montana" whom pregnancy rumors swirled around days earlier. They then do a Q & A about what its like to be a typical high school kid. They asked her specifically about Miley's "pregnancy scare" rumors and how the tabloids affect young celebs and she said "I stay out of that because I'm always at home; I don't go anywhere or do anything." Who knew? Immaculate Conception. Excelllent.

Jamie Lynn Speaks Out!!! 12/26/08

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Props to John

For those of you who read my initial post about my Presidential candidate favorites last April you would know that of all the Republicans in this great nation, the only one I would ever think of voting for is Senator John McCain. Yesterday he picked up major endorsements from the major newspapers in Iowa and New Hampshire as well as the coolest Orthodox Jew in national politics, Senator Joe Lieberman. If Lieberman's support can push all the undecideds in McCain's direction he might have a fighting chance or else one of the other Republican imbeciles will score the candidacy. This could shape up to be an interesting race after all. Not that any of them can beat my girl Hill. My dream tickets for the 2008 election are as follows. Drumroll please....
For the Dems: Hillary and Bill Richardson. For the GOP: McCain and Joe Lieberman. This country has been going downhill for the last 7 years. Hopefully some of these peeps can get us back on track. Peace.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Its a Chanukah Miracle...

Nicole Richie chilling with some bochurim in LA. Thank goodness theres a picture on TMZ, otherwise I wouldn't have believed it.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Stay Wet!

AKA Have a shot of your favorite liquor. Happy Repeal Day! December 5th, 1933 marked the end of the Prohibition. And in honor of that I want booze. Badly. But it will have to wait until work is over. Which leads me to another embarrassing Susanne story. Here goes:

Tonight I am going to a Chanukah party at my buddies' Ariela and Devorah's apartment. So I IMed Devorah to ask, "SusQHB: Will there be booze?". "Devorah: My boss is at my desk. What type of question is that?!" Whoops. Sorry Devorah!

Happy Chanukah

Happy Chanukah to all my Jewish Peeps! To all my non-Jewish friends, Happy Wednesday!

This holiday season was chock full of miracles back in the day. I think we should all capitalize on the good vibes this time of year and take advantage of them. Do some good deeds. Volunteer for some charity. Donate a box of old clothes. And most importantly, tell your family and friends that you love them and think about them. Spread the good cheer to everyone around you.

Happy Holidays!


See this movie...

Juno was released TODAY in New York and Los Angeles. Go see this movie. Today if you can. If you're like me, you think teenage pregnancy is hysterical, but with the hysterical Ellen Page as the soon to be mother, Michael Cera (the tall blond dork in SuperBad, and I should add, a guest role on Veronica Mars) as the dad, and the incredibly versatile Jennifer Garner (I know, who knew) and Jason Bateman as the potential adoptive parents, you'll be rolling in the aisles. Seriously. LOVED this! Go see it.

***DISCLAIMER*** Before you picket my blog, keep in mind, I do not find teenage pregnancy funny in any way. Sometimes I can be a bit sarcastic. Sorry for that. This movie on the other hand, very funny. Go see it. Click here to buy tickets.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Spring Awakening Giveaway

I posted on the Spring Awakening Fan Club message board that I have obtained one additional copy of the 2 full-page New York Times GAP ad featuring the entire original cast of Spring Awakening. I then went on to say that I am trying to find out a way to choose one lucky winner from the SA Fan Club. I have decided. There will be one trivia question. It is: Who bought me my Spring Awakening tickets for my birthday this year? The answer can be found somewhere on the World Wide Web. Those reading this post on my blog or in Facebook Notes are closer to finding the answer than they think...hint, hint. Send me a "Personal Message" on the Spring Awakening Fan Club site (my nickname is susqhb) and from the correct answers I will choose one winner. Good luck all!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Idiots in the News...

OJ OJ OJ. What can I say? Dude, you are a bad criminal so find a new line of work. He was indicted this week on his burglary charge in Las Vegas. His response? "Its alright. I trust our nation's jury system". Well sure you do. They acquited you of a murder that you have since admitted to. I would trust the jury system too if I was able to get away with murder, literally.

Other idiots. I had this story in my newsfeed today: Robber shoots himself during home invasion. During the robbery, one of the robbers went to put his gun in his pants and the gun went off and he shot himself. IN HIS PANTS. I'm not going to ask question. I'm going to use my imagination as to the connotations of shooting yourself in the pants. If you are stupid enough to stick a gun into your pants with the safety off, don't carry a fricken gun.

Embarassed in the city

Rarely do I have a life experience that is so embarrassing that I feel the need to write about it. But here goes...

So this week Tamar and I ran out to lunch and we had some time to kill so I suggested we go to Conway. Its bad enough that I shop there. Their clothes are kinda skanky and don't fit anyone over a size 4 but I still like to go there and pick up new tights every winter and shop for stuff from their store in the basement. Really cheap gifts, toys, toiletries, and food items. So Tamar was upstairs looking at their size 4 clothing items and I ran downstairs to see if they had any 99 cent boxes of cereal (I love Conway deals!). Tamar was hanging onto my credit card since my skirt didn't have a pocket. So before I went downstairs I reached into her purse and grabbed the card. I got down there, grabbed the cereal and went to pay. And I handed the non-English speaking cashier....Tamar's Baruch ID card. And she laughed at me. I apologized, asked her to hold on a sec and raced upstairs to get my credit card from Tamar to pay for my $5 worth of items. By the time I got downstairs apparently all the cashiers had heard the story and thought it was hysterical. To make matters worse, as Tamar and I were heading out of the store some babe who thought she was a security guard tried to make us show receipts. Oh, sure. Cause I really was at CONWAY to SHOPLIFT two pairs of $1.99 stockings and a box of 99 cent cereal. We asked her why she was checking receipts and I said, but you've never checked them before. She was all up in my grill and was like "Oh yeah! How long you been shopping here? We been doing this forever" How long have I been shopping at Conway? Thats a personal question. I don't think I want to admit that to another person. Especially this babe. Anyway, crisis averted. I'm adding Conway to my long list of NYC stores that I have been embarrassed in. Actually come to think of it, this was my second time making trouble at Conway. The first was when I brought a whole slew of Free Manischewitz manufacturer's coupons when I saw they were selling those gigantic bottles of grape juice. Those poor girls had never seen a coupon before. I had to explain to them how they worked. Anyway, Peace y'all.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Appropriate Mitch Quote

Tamar and I just got back from J2. The dude behind the counter just gave me the smallest slice of pizza I have ever seen. Which reminds me of a story Mitch Hedberg told: "I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f#$%er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f#$%er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

Video Delay

Sorry folks. My comedy video has not yet been uploaded. My computer is sick and is being fixed by my friend Adam. Keep waiting with baited breath. It will be posted as soon as possible. This is also sad because those of you who are my friends on Facebook are accustomed to see new Susanne pictures almost daily and I am a week behind. Soon soon.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Tonight's the night...

Susanne doing stand up...Take 2. Topic: Becoming Frum and Being a BT. Pictures, stories, and video to follow. Wish me luck. I hope I don't blow.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Day the Free Internet TV Died

This is a low point in my life. TV Links is no more. Forget about Don McLean and the Day the Music Died. The deaths of Ritchie, Buddy, and the Big Bopper are nothing compared to the hole left by the now dead links to episodes of Veronica Mars, Weeds, and Macgyver. The Day the Free Internet TV Died had a much greater effect on my young life. PeekVid cannot take away the pain in my heart. Its British counterpart had far surpassed it.

RIP TV Links. You will be missed.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

My root canal...and plans for the future

Don't worry. No pictures here. Not that I didn't want to post any (I did) but I was too embarrassed to ask the dentist to take one or even ask to keep my old teeth (tooth fairies still exist if you believe in them and want extra cash). A lot more goes into this root canal thing than I thought. I figure one painful procedure and I'd be out of there and on my way. So when I got the quote of around two grand (thats after a HUGE discount that my awesome dentist generously offered my little insuranceless self) I was stunned. An hour of work with the drill and thats it?! No, its like intense. I just returned from my 4th visit. First time they began the root canal which Thank God got rid of my severe pain. The second time they finished that procedure and filled the teeth. The third they took a mold of the two teeth that were removed and put on temporary crowns. Holy crap, I didn't know I wouldn't be keeping my own teeth. That was sketch. I looked in the mirror and I swear it was a redneck hick smiling back at me. Spooky. Today I went back to have him put in my new permanent crowns. I feel like the Bionic Woman with my two new crime fighting teeth. So cool.

Note to self. Get dental insurance. Soon. My pledge for this year is to somehow secure dental. Theres two options for me in that respect. Get a new job. Or get married to a hot guy with dental. If you have referrals for either of these two fantastic options, I am wide open and waiting to hear your ideas. Hot husband is the preferred option.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Spring Awakening!

I'm catching up after a busy week filled with Read Hebrew America calls, root canals, and two new teeth (I know, I'm like the Bionic Woman now, temporary crowns are cool). Last week I finally saw Spring Awakening. It was just as incredible as I imagined. Even more so actually. There is a lot of humor which is something you cannot tell listening to the soundtrack. I don't know if the people who wrote it had planned that but it was awesome. My brother Alan got me tickets for my birthday which rules cause its still super expensive to get seats. Afterwards we waited at the Stage Door and got to meet the whole cast which was mind blowing. They were all sooo nice and signed autographs and took pics with everyone who wanted. Most shows (especially those this popular) have casts filled with jerks. We chatted with the Tony winner John Gallagher Jr. who plays the tortured teen Moritz (seen above with Sara and I). He's soooo awesome. Now as I'm writing this I found a bloke on MySpace who posted a video of the show so um, I'm going to be watching that for the next few days I'm sure. My new obsession. Good times.

BREAKING NEWS! Key Food new sells Abba-Zaba!

This is big I know. Everyone has that one kosher product that they love thats so hard to find that when they do see a store that sells it they buy a ton. I have two of those. Starbust Hard Candies (not even sure they make them anymore, sniff) which taste exactly like regular Starburst (after all, its the same artificial flavors in each) and I can't eat regular Starburst anymore after choosing this damn kosher way of life so these Orthodox Union sanctioned hard candies were the next best thing. My second item is Abba-Zaba! This delicious chewy taffy with a peanut butter center is like heaven on Earth all sealed up in a checkered black and yellow wrapper. It even has the additional hechsher sticker that these frummy companies feel compelled to add to their already kosher product. Abba-Zaba for example has a KSA parve emblem on the back of the wrapper, but some shmegeg at So-Yum Candies felt the obligation to frum it up with an added Star-K. The same way when you go to a kosher store theres a Paskesz sticker all over the bag of Twizzlers. What a waste of a sticker. Anyhoo, this candy is super yum and I think you'll like it too. For those who missed my birthday and still wanna give me a gift, feel free. I'm registered at Key Food. In the kosher aisle. Next to that Paskesz garbage.

I recommend any PB lover like myself run out and buy them today. But leave a couple in the store. My stockpile is running low.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Rosh Hashana Greetings

Okay, heres the deal. I honestly feel as if no time has passed since last year and the last time I wrote this letter. Like its my birthday again in 6 days and I feel like my birthday party last year at Yogi's (which was lame and I was home by 11 pm) was just yesterday. Its gone by in a flash. I'm seeing little glimpses of this past year in my mind.

My mom being followed by 50 little children in Honduras because she made the mistake of giving one child a quarter and then they came out in droves.

Traveling abroad for the first time with friends to Madrid over Shavuous, and eating yontiff lunch in a Starbucks near the Prado because we were desperate to get out of the rain which plaugued us the whole trip.

Becoming an ordained "clergy member" and being able to officiate my first civil wedding ceremony.

My first root canal (which was this morning by the way and the drugs might be an explanation for this incoherant rambling).

Sure lots of stuff happened but I'm honestly not sure I bettered myself in any way. Rosh Hashana is a time for introspection. The flaws that I said last year I hoped to overcome are all still there. I still have a messy room. I still don't speak up when I know I should. I still "give it" but am incapable of "taking it" when it comes to constructive criticism. I miss my family terribly and can't believe I live 3000 miles away from them. Sure we fight like cats and dogs when we are all together, but honestly, distance does make the heart grow fonder. I hope that you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me for for all of these transgressions that I have committed. May all of our relationships with our families, our friends, and our neighbors be built on a strong foundation made of love, respect, and mitzvos. I hope this coming year will be filled with nothing but simchas! Gmar Chasima Tova! Have a Happy and Sweet New Year!


Top 10 Reasons to Quit Procrastinating


Saw that on a t-shirt. Ha.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Everyone Loves a Jewish Boy

From JTA:

Beckham sidelined ahead of Israel game

Published: 08/31/2007

Beckham won’t bend it against Israel.

David Beckham, the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer star, won't join the England national team when it plays Israel in London next week in a qualifying game for Euro 2008.

The midfielder, famed for his ability to bend the trajectory of the soccer ball, was sidelined for six weeks after spraining his right knee in a collision Wednesday night when Galaxy played Pachuca, a Mexican team.

British media reported earlier this month that Beckham recently discovered that his mother is Jewish.

What the...?! Becks is JEWISH! OH. MY. GOD. He's mine ladies. Back off. Kenny Chesney, I am so over you.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Jew Walking

The National Jewish Outreach Program (NJOP) took Simmy Kay of VH1 to the streets of NYC for some JewWalking! We've all seen clips of Jay Walking where Jay Leno takes to the streets of LA asking what people of normal intelligence would consider simple questions and people trip all over themselves trying to answer. One of my fave late night game shows was on when I was in college. I think we watched it every night at 12:30 am. It was called Street Smarts and it had a similar premise. Two contestants would have to wager whether or not the eccentric people on the street would get a correct answer to a specific question. It was awesome.

The folks Simmy encounters in this video aren't stupid or ignorant. They just haven't taken advantage of the opportunity to learn more about their Jewish Heritage. There was a counselor at Camp Gan Israel in Huntington Beach, California when I was like 15 years old who gave me one of the most important pieces of encouragement and inspiration that I could ever ask for. I remember this clearly. We were sitting in a dingy bowling alley in Los Alamitos and I was lamenting to her my frustration with my Jewish learning. All the other kids were earning incredible prizes in Tzivos Hashem (the brilliant Gan Israel learning program that give kids prizes for learning about Yiddishkeit). It was easy for the kids that grew up going to Jewish Day School. It came easy for them. They seemingly knew everything. And she told me something to the extent that just because I never learned something didn't make me stupid. I could always learn those things if I wanted to. That struck a chord in me. I remember she wrote me a note of encouragement at the end of the summmer and she repeated that phrase to me. I carried that letter in my wallet for several years. I believe wholeheartedly in this concept. What you don't know now can hurt you. We should all strive to do more. Be more.

I think a video like this can inspire people. Too many people are intimidated to sign up for a Hebrew class or a "Basic" Judaism class. Gosh, shouldn't they already know those basic fundamentals of their religion? But when they see that others are like them, they may be encouraged to take initiative. Instead of dropping your kids off at Sunday school and heading over to the gym, go into the synagogue yourself and take an adult ed class. Show your kids that you are as interested in your yiddishkeit as you tell them they should be. Otherwise, forward this video to your friends and family who you think will get a kick out of it. I sure did. My favorite line involves a bagel on a kid's head. You'll see. Its great. Check it out.

For those of you reading my blog on Facebook (the video embedding above doesn't work so) you can view the video on the NJOP website:

Friday, August 24, 2007

Things I Don't Understand

I'm sure this is going to become a series of complaints and annoyances, but for now I felt it was a good time to rant about something thats been bubbling for a while. Why have I never been asked to be on a "Young Leadership" committee? I can't for the life of me figure this one out.

Ever since I was a kid, I have been a VERY social person. In junior high I had a lot of peripheral friends. Liked by all groups. Nerds, cool kids, smart kids, band geeks, you name it. Except for that one time this chick spit in my face in the 7th grade, but thats another story altogether. I don't know where that came from. She was probably jealous of my supreme coolness. In high school it was even more the case. I was Class Rep on the student council (my class had 400 students) and was nominated for Prom Queen. I like to say I was runner-up for Prom Queen since we didn't have a runner-up but I like to think I couldn't have been too many votes behind my friend Kim. At my Model UN awards the following week I was presented with an honorary crown because they thought I should have won. I campaigned for Class Clown at the Senior Awards but lost to Mel Nokes, probably one of the funniest people I'd met at that point, so I was okay with the loss. Besides, who campaigns for Class Clown? Nebbach.

In college my famousness escalated. I was on Student Council and proudly would stand on a chair in the caf making announcements about upcoming events and fundraisers. I was one of those people who everyone knew, even when I didn't know them from a hole in the wall. Even today. My friend Margie was hosting a comedy night in my shul. We expected 50 people to show. I decided to promote the event and we had about 200... during a blizzard. I'm sure it helped that I opened for the headliner, but still. I got people in the seats.

Why do I tell you this? Why do I boast in such a way? I get emails from people telling me about this fundraiser and this event. Usually this person is on the "event committee" and thats why they are encouraging their friends to attend. And everytime I think to myself, if I were on this committee, it would be a sell out. I may not always have the bucks to dole out for every single event, but I can do a lot of good for any organization that considers me a "young leader". This is officially the most full of myself thing I've ever written, but I was in the mood for a self esteem motivator. Thanks for obliging.

Why I Hate J Lo

So I won tickets on Z100 for a private J Lo concert last night. Myself and three buddies excitedly entered the Roseland Ballroom expecting a good show. We were told to arrive at 7 and in addition to the concert it would be a private VIP party. So we and several hundred J Lo devotees lined up to get in promptly at 7. We got in and secured a good standing spot near the front next to the cordoned off VIP area. This was to my dismay, not for ZVIPs, Z100's promotional title for people who log on to their website, but actual legitimate VIPs. Damn them.

We got in there and DJ Spinbad was at his turntable playing a great mix of modern R&B while mixing in some rock and roll standards (unmistakable Jack & Diane by Mellencamp thrown in there to my fanatical cheers). I was dancing around like a crazy woman giving white people everywhere a severely bad name. Last time I "clubbed" was probably in high school, and more likely after a couple drinks. Here we were sober and beginning to get bored. In my head I thought, no worries, J Lo will go on by 8. After 8 another DJ (supposedly, J Lo's private DJ, does that mean he travels with her, spins records at J Lo and Marc's mansion? I have no clue). He proceeded to turn up the volume (literally, not figuratively) at least 100 decibels. And played really trashy (LOUD) rap music. Uh uh. J Lo would so not approve of this garbage. A true Fly Girl would never stoop that low. But don't worry Susanne, J Lo will for sure come out by 9. At 9 Carolina Bermudez from Elvis Duran and the Z Morning Zoo came out to huge applause. I'm a big fan of hers too so I got all excited. Even got my ass up off the ground where I had been situated most uncooly for the last half hour. She just did one of those, are you guys ready for J Lo?!! And we got all excited again. Then she left the stage and the loud DJ played on. No one there seemed to be having fun at this point. It had been more than two hours and everyone was standing facing the stage waiting for J Lo to come out. Maybe 1 in 10 people were still dancing. People started to leave. Tamarzeepoo left at a quarter to 10. Reifer, Nat, and I grabbed out bags at 10:05 ready to finally give up when J Lo finally made her appearance. I told the couple next to us, don't get too excited, shes going to do 2 songs, both from the new album so no one will be able to sing along and then she'll leave the stage. Sure enough, I was mostly right. She did two new songs we had never heard and one compilatation of her hits. Listen honey. You are a very talented girl, but you do not have enough hit songs to give devoted fans a compilation performance after they've stood around waiting for you for 3 hours!! You are no Tim McGraw! Even the Dixie Chicks don't pull that crap. We were super annoyed. We went home kinda pissed. Don't call your event a concert and just make it a dirty club scene. Nice Jewish Girls will not have a good time there!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Where awkwardness reigns supreme

Nope. I know what you're thinking I was going to say. I always thought the most supremely awkward experiences take place on singles Shabbatons. But no. Its when you are left alone in a room with the cable guy. And you are half naked. I had an appointment tonight for a cable man to come and replace my modem thats been broken since Friday. 5 torturous days without internet in my apartment. It was horrible.

So I was in my lounging clothes when the cable guy arrived. I switch into this set of clothes (usually soccer shorts and a tank top) the second I get home from work. I get my impulsive disrobing urge from my dad who will be in his underwear and asleep on the couch within 2 minutes of walking through the front door and my eldest brother who happens to be loaded yet I've never found him in his house wearing anything but a 10 year old pair of shorts and an old ripped t-shirt. We Goldstones LOVE our lounging clothes. So when he arrived I was wearing a little pair of pink shorts and a grey tank, but quickly threw on a black sweater so I'd be at least a little more modestly dressed for the strange man here to install my modem. I did not know what to talk to the dude about. I am terrible at small talk. Some cable device was in his bag making funny sounds so I must have said like 5 times "hey, that sounds like Pac-Man, you know Pac-Man? Ever play it? Thats what your bag sounds like. Pac-Man". Oy. Nebbach right? So we were in my bedroom where my computer and modem are set up and it started to get hot. I don't put on the AC unless I'm sweltering. I was like, oh man, I can't take off my sweater, I'll be like half undressed in front of this strange man alone in my bedroom. But that thought just made me moe nervous and I got even warmer. Needless to say the sweater came off.

Next he found the spot where I illegally split my cable line to give the TV in my room free cable. He laughed at that. Not sure why. I thought he would have been impressed by my handiness with a pair of pliers and a trip to Radio Shack.

Next he replaced my broken modem with the new one and remarked, lights flashing, that it was fixed and I was back in business. Excited by the prospect that he would be leaving now I motioned toward the door. He said, hey lets try turning on your computer to make sure. I have the slowest computer known to man. I knew it would take a good 10 minutes to boot up. The cheaper the computer, the longer it takes, and those that know me know that I got one hell of a deal on this sucker. Cost me a couple hundred bucks. Its a piece of garbage, but boy did I save a bundle. So I started the computer and the second the desktop appeared he began to click incessantly on the Internet Explorer icon. Like 10 times. So not only did it delay the start up but now my computer was huffing and puffing its way through the opening of 10 separate Hotmail pages. I attempted conversation. Asked if this was his last call of the day. Asked if his supervisor was a decent guy. Asked about setting up wireless systems. It was horrible. Might have been the worst date-like situation I've ever experienced. And this is coming from the girl who one time forgot her date's name. That was not pleasant either.

Oh, and the icing on the cake. It wasn't until after he left that I found a feminine hygiene product on my desk where he was working. I nearly died. The end. Kill me now.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Craigslist Lost & Found

This morning I found a 512 Mb SD card on the ground while waiting on the platform at Columbus Circle. Figuring theres a chance theres something important on the card I grabbed it hoping I'd be able to find a way to reunite it with its true owner. I asked the people standing nearby if it belonged to them and everyone shook their heads. So I quickly went on Craigslist to post a lost and found message. Maybe someone will claim it. As I alway say, pay it forward.

I decided to browse some of the other postings to see what else has been lost and found in New York. Wallets, keys, cameras.....and crack pipes? Hmmmm.... This is gonna be good.

Lose your crack pipe?
Reply to:
Date: 2007-08-18, 2:59PM EDT

The other day while walking through Central Park I found one crack pipe. Knowing how important this must be to its owner I decided to post it here hoping to reunite the two. So if you're the owner or know who it belongs to please contact me ASAP. Be prepared with a description so I know you're the right person, it would be very wrong to return it to someone it doesn't belong to.

On another note, unrelated to crack, I won 4 tickets to see J Lo in a private concert this Thursday night from Z100. Any fans out there that want to go? Fans of me of course. Fans of J Lo as well can apply as well. Peace.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Drugs on Ice Cream Trucks?! A shonda!


Thank you Rachel S for your stalwart research (ie forwarding of the article) about our favorite Washington Heights past time...visiting the ice cream trucks scattered around our hood. Allegedly, some of these Mister Softees sell, in addition to soft serve and slush puppies, drugs!!! Who would have guessed?! I personally am quite surprised. Although, as I mentioned to Rachel, I may have had a lingering feeling that I suspected this all along. Who in their right mind would trek out in a blizzard to buy an Itzakadoozie? You be the judge.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mazel tov to me

So last night I finally married. Since becoming an Ordained Clergy Member in 2005, I have finally put it to good use and civilly married my friends Mark and Sura. Everything went without a hitch, except for the fact that Mark doesn't wear a ring and Sura was already wearing one and a majority of the vows I had written involved the ring ceremony. But everyone played along just fine allowing me to change the ring vows into the past tense ("Sura, I gave you this ring" instead of give) and then Sura saying "Mark, I give you this invisible ring". It was great.

Only prob came when we were filling out the marriage certificate and we didn't know if Sura should sign with her new surname or her old. So we had to track down my marrige mentor, Rabbi Josh Yuter, who by the way is a hard man to find. I called like 15 people to finally get his number, but most people didn't answer when they saw it was me calling them. Why do you all screen your calls from me? What if I was calling you to tell you that Justin Timberlake stopped by my apartment for an impromptu concert (and later a snogging session) and I was calling to invite you (to the concert, not the snogging). Would you not answer then? Anyway, I reached Josh and after careful investigation we decided Sura should sign with her new last name. Done deal. We had a great time. I'll post more pics once the wedding guests upload them. Anyway, I am off to find a mailbox to mail the marriage certicate (according to ordinance 11C it is one of my officiant responsibilities). Catch you later!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Shout out to random girl in shul.

Note to girl- I'm only writing about it because it was funny, gave me a fantastic story to tell at my Shabbos meals, and I know you are going to read this post.

So girl I don't really know comes up to me after Friday Night davening. She prefaces the question knowing that I'll be taken completely aback.
"So, can I ask you the most stalkerish question ever?"
"Um, okay."
"Are those the new clothes your mom bought you?"
"Um, yeah. You read my blog don't you?"

She had read my post last week about how my mom took me shopping at Loehman's. Of course, I'm dressed to kill every Shabbos. But this week I was in fact wearing a killer new black short skirt with little pleats. Yup, I was adorable. Still a little spooky though, wouldn't you say? Hope shes not homicidal.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Spring Awakening and my obsession with a musical I've never seen

So Tamarzeepoo and I went to Broadway in the Park yesterday afternoon to catch performances by the casts of the Fantasticks (which someone who shall remain nameless thought was a musical based on the Fantastic Four comic book movies), the Color Purple, Spring Awakening, and Wicked. I've been wanting to see Spring Awakening for a long time now. When it debuted it was listed on TKTS and I never got around to buying tickets. Then it won the Tony for Best Musical and its near impossible to get tickets. Anyway, this cast is spectacular. Its based on a 100 year old book about kids in Germany dealing with the angst of their blossoming adulthood. The casting director was strict about getting fresh faced young people in the show so no one is over 24 and few have previously acted professionally. I described it to my buddy Miriam who had this to say:

Miriam: isnt harry potter in spring awakening
or was that equuss?
me: this is kinda the same kinda controversialism
kids having sex and trying to kill themselves and all
Miriam: yawn
welcome to yula

I just thought that was funny and wanted to share. YULA is a reference to her Yeshiva high school in LA. Come to think of it, sex and does remind me of someone of my Yeshiva University living arrangements.

Anyway, this show is incredible. Tamarzeepoo and I had chills that we haven't had watching a musical since Rent. I have posted a video below of the cast performing on The View. Its one of Rosie O'Donnell's favorite shows (she's seen it four times).

I've had this song playing in the background all day long and Tamarzeepoo is starting to get annoyed. The song is called "Touch Me" and I'm a little disturbed by how obsessed with it since, um, yeah, its about "touching" people, if you know what I mean. I believe its the theme song for the anti-Shomer Negia movement. Its just such a beautiful song. The lyrics are striking and descriptive and the voices are so tender and raw that you can almost see a vision in your head. Few songs resonate with me in that way, examples being "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks or "One Song Glory" from Rent. If you're passionate about those songs, you'll know what I mean.

I want to get tickets for this show really bad. If you'd like to go with me, let me know. We are trying to get tickets. I've tried downloading the music but its hard to find and doesn't even have it at a good price. For those of you who know me, I don't buy an album from a store unless its got the Dixie Chicks, Tim Mcgraw, or Kenny Chesney on the cover. If I actually have to go out and buy this album, you'll realize how obsessed I truly am.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Well that sucks!

So yesterday I headed down to Loehman's on 17th street and 7th avenue with my mom who was in town for a week. She wanted to "buy me a new wardrobe" or something to that extent. Seeing as how ungirly I am, this prospect was not as appealing to me as it would be for other girls. I was done looking for clothes in like 5 minutes picking out a brown dress (which I already have its identical in black), two identical blouses in different shades, and a black skirt which looks just like all my others. I was done. New wardrobe was in place. My mom was still standing at the August Silk rack pondering a sweater she'd picked up 10 minutes ago. I was already bored. Thank goodness I had brought along my Sunday NY Times. I opened quickly to my favorite section, Sunday Style, so I could look up all the Jewish couples in the wedding listings and see if I recognize any names of the officiating Rabbis. I work with Rabbis so its sometimes fun to be like "oh look, Rabbi Cohen from Texas. He's really nice!" I'm a huge dork. This is my weekly activity.

Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it to the wedding listings. On Page 1 I found the article Great Wedding! But Was It Legal? It seems that more and more Americans (myself included) were inspired by Joey Tribbiani on Friends when he applied online to be a Minister so he could officiate at Monica and Chandler's wedding. I thought becoming an ordained minister online would be a great story to tell around the Shabbos table. So I went to the Church of Spiritual Humanism's website, read their terms and conditions, decided this would be a good choice of online ministries since of all the online Churches I found, this seemed to be the most religion-free religion. I wouldn't be excommunicated from my shul for signing on. So I signed up. It wasn't until recently that a buddy of mine asked me to officiate her civil ceremony. Obviously, since I'm not a Rabbi I can not officiate the halachic ceremony, nor would I want to, but this would be a fun thing that the couple could do amongst a handful of friends and would have a funny anecdote for their grandkids. I have already been to a handful of these civil ceremonies (my roommate's at City Hall, and a couple in Rabbi Yuter's apartment). I was honored to be asked. I needed to go down to City Hall to get certified by the City of New York. Its one thing to have your ordination from somewhere, but the city must keep track of those people officiating legal ceremonies. I stood in line at the City Clerks office behind a nice Conservative Rabbi from Long Island. After a little wait I was presented with my Certificate of Ordination! I was fired up!

The New York Times has written that so many people are signing up as online ministers for the sole purpose of marrying a specific couple that many states are warning that these ministers may not have kosher enough ordination to be considered marriage officiants. The article states cases where the person applied online for their clergy title to marry someone and the marriage was later considered null since he wasn't "officially" ordained. Man! This is gonna be bad for business.

Heres the low down. According to my ministry, their members have successfully performed legal weddings in New York City. I had followed all the instructions listed on the City Clerk's website. The City Clerk read through the church's Articles of Incorporation (albeit was a strange and bemused look on her face), and stamped her approval on my Certificate. This article gave me (and the couple I'm marrying on Monday) a little scare, but we are now feeling a little more confident. So if you are in the midst of planning your wedding, commitment ceremony, baby naming, handfasting (which is some sort of satanic ceremony, from the descriptions I've read on Wikipedia), invocations, or other religious services and ceremonies, please remember that as an Ordained Clergy Person and Associate Pastor in the Church of Scientific Humanism, I can officiate your ceremony. You should put me on speed dial.

P.S. To all my friends who I haven't spoken to in a while. Have no fear. I have not converted to any strange religion or joined a crazy cult. I am still an Orthodox Jew and member in good standing of Mt. Sinai in Washington Heights. As always, I am a little nutty, but not enough for you to worry about.

I'm a little traumatized

So I was surfing the net last week trying to find something to fill the void left by the ending of the Harry Potter series. I had read an article about all these fan fiction sites where writers had picked up where JK had left off and wrote their own additional stories using the Harry Potter characters and various storylines, and posted them on numerous websites and blogs. So, a large number of the stories I encountered took a turn towards soft porn and even XXX. Can't we keep these stories kosher people? Its bad enough seeing how violent the books and movies are. These beloved young characters have already lost their innocence by fighting pure evil and witnessing death first hand. Do we really need them reinacting scenes from the Spice channel? Puhleeze!

On another note, for those of you who are as obsessed with Harry Potter as I am (and have already finished the last book (don't need anyone complaining that I spoiled the book for them!), be sure to visit this interview with JK Rowling where she clears up a lot of unanswered questions and fills us in on additional tidbits about the characters' lives. So awesome! I also recommend listening to some of the podcasts on iTunes that discuss the Harry Potter series. My favorites (and the most popular) are Pottercast and Mugglenet. You can download them free. Enjoy!

Friday, August 03, 2007

Sick bastards

Seriously guys, theres always the "No Strings Attached" column on Craigslist. No need for the shovels you sick sick bastards.

Accused grave robbers dodge sex charges By RYAN J. FOLEY, Associated Press Writer

For link click here

MADISON, Wis. - Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.


A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalize sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

The three men went to a cemetery in Cassville in southwestern Wisconsin on Sept. 2 to remove the body of Laura Tennessen, 20, who had been killed the week before in a motorcycle crash.

The men used shovels to reach her grave. They abandoned their plan and were eventually arrested after a vehicle drove into the cemetery and reported suspicious behavior, authorities said.

They said the men had seen an obituary of Tennessen with her photo and wanted to dig up her body to have sexual intercourse. Such an act is known as necrophilia.

The men were charged with attempted third-degree sexual assault and misdemeanor attempted theft charges. But Grant County Circuit Judge George Curry dismissed the sexual assault charges in September, saying no Wisconsin law addressed necrophilia. Prosecutors appealed his ruling.

At issue is a provision in the sexual assault law saying criminal penalties apply "whether a victim is dead or alive at the time of the sexual contact or sexual intercourse."

The appeals court said the law was ambiguous but the most reasonable interpretation was that it does not ban necrophilia. Instead, the court said, the law was meant to make sure prosecutors could bring sexual assault charges in rape-murder cases in which the victim ends up dead.

Outrage over the case might soon change the law.

Sen. Dale Schultz, R-Richland Center, introduced legislation Wednesday that would make having sex with a corpse a felony with punishment of up to 6 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. The bill would levy the same penalties against anyone who intentionally disturbs a burial site or a buried human corpse.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Its uncanny...

I know. Notice I'm carrying a glass of scotch. I go nowhere without my scotch. And my baseball bat. Obviously.

Monday, July 16, 2007

And then it begins...

Today is Rosh Chodesh Av, the beginning of the nine days counting down to Tisha B'Av, often descibed as the saddest day in Jewish History where we fast (as we do on Yom Kippur) and read Lamentations. On this day, many horrible things happened to the Jewish nation, most notably the destruction of the First and Second Bais Hamikdashes, the Holy Temples in Jerusalem, the first one by the Babylonians and the second by the Romans. This is also the day Moshe broke the tablets when he came down Mount Sinai and saw the Jewish people worshiping the Golden Calf. To view more sad events click here. Since this is a period of sadness it is traditional during these nine days to abstain from certain things, for example, eating meat, laundrying clothes, and listening to music. To ensure that I would adhere to the last one, God decided to kill my iPod yesterday when my water bottle spilled in my softball bag. Even if I wanted to listen to my Dixie Chicks, I cannot.

All these horrible things happened to the Jewish people during this time in history, but you know what, things aren't that great nowadays either. I was reading the New York Times this morning on the train and its page after page of horror and anguish. Page 2, large earthquake hits Japan, 150 injured. Page 7, 24 Iranians escape from Iraqi prison. Page 7, suspects released in London after car bombing attempts. Page 8, suicide bombers in Pakistan kill 49. Page 11, John Edwards tours the most poverty-stricken places in America where he sees people living in squalor. Is there really nowhere in the world where we can feel perfectly safe and sound? This is how I interpret it: God is trying to tell us something. We must take advantage of these nine days. Do something, anything, to make this world a better place. I beseech you all to do a mitzvah no matter how small you think it is. Today I'm going to donate blood. 20 minutes of my time and I can potentially save a life. Ad Mosai? How much longer do we have to wait for the coming of Moshiach (the Messiah)? If we all work hard during these nine days, bettering ourselves and our relationships with those around us, we can potentially bring Moshiach. I sincerely believe that. And as my friend Gavriel's Facebook update states: Gavriel is "hoping Mashiach will come before Tisha b'Av so that we won't have to fast... and so that there will be World Peace. That too." Well said.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Gunman subdued by sip of Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry

This is a crazy ridiculous article that my buddy Eli referred me to. You can find it here otherwise the text is below.


By Allison Klein
Updated: 5:47 a.m. ET July 13, 2007

A gate-crasher’s change of heart

Gunman bursts into party, tastes cheese and wine, gets hug, then leaves

WASHINGTON - A grand feast of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp was winding down, and a group of friends was sitting on the back patio of a Capitol Hill home, sipping red wine. Suddenly, a hooded man slid in through an open gate and put the barrel of a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest.

"Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," he demanded, according to D.C. police and witness accounts.

The five other guests, including the girls' parents, froze -- and then one spoke.

"We were just finishing dinner," Cristina "Cha Cha" Rowan, 43, blurted out. "Why don't you have a glass of wine with us?"

The intruder took a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry and said, "Damn, that's good wine."

The girl's father, Michael Rabdau, 51, who described the harrowing evening in an interview, told the intruder, described as being in his 20s, to take the whole glass. Rowan offered him the bottle. The would-be robber, his hood now down, took another sip and had a bite of Camembert cheese that was on the table.

'Can I get a hug?'
Then he tucked the gun into the pocket of his nylon sweatpants.

"I think I may have come to the wrong house," he said, looking around the patio of the home in the 1300 block of Constitution Avenue NE.

"I'm sorry," he told the group. "Can I get a hug?"

Rowan, who lives in Falls Church and works part time at her children's school, stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Then it was Rabdau's turn. Then his wife's. The other two guests complied.

"That's really good wine," the man said, taking another sip. He had a final request: "Can we have a group hug?"

The five adults surrounded him, arms out.

With that, the man walked out with a crystal wine glass in hand, filled with Chateau Malescot. No one was hurt, and nothing was stolen.

The homeowner, Xavier Cervera, 45, had gone out to walk his dog at the end of the party and missed the incident, which happened about midnight June 16. Police classified the case as strange but true and said they had not located a suspect.

"We believe it is a true robbery," said Cmdr. Diane Groomes, who is in charge of patrols in the Capitol Hill area. But it's one-of-a-kind, she said, adding, "I've never heard of a robber joining a party and then walking out to the sunset."

The hug, she said, was especially unusual. "They should have squeezed him and held onto him for us," she said.

Rabdau said he hasn't been able to figure out what happened.

"I was definitely expecting there would be some kind of casualty," Rabdau said this week. "He was very aggressive at first; then it turned into a love fest. I don't know what it was."

Was it the wine or the cheese?
Rabdau, a federal government worker who lives in Anne Arundel County with his family and lived on Capitol Hill with his wife in the 1980s, said that the episode lasted about 10 minutes but seemed like an hour. He believes the guests were spared because they kept a positive attitude during the exchange.

"There was this degree of disbelief and terror at the same time," Rabdau said. "Then it miraculously just changed. His whole emotional tone turned -- like, we're one big happy family now. I thought: Was it the wine? Was it the cheese?"

After the intruder left, the guests walked inside the house, locked the door and stared at each other. They didn't say a word. Rabdau dialed 911. Police arrived quickly and took a report. They also dusted for fingerprints -- so far, to no avail.

In the alley behind the home, investigators found the intruder's empty crystal wine glass on the ground, unbroken.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

15 Years Ago Today, I Became a Woman...

On June 20th, 1992, I became a Bat Mitzvah at Congregation B'nai Tzedek in Fountain Valley, California.

I know what you're thinking. Wait a second, your birthday is in September, why did you have your Bat Mitzvah in June? Well folks, in the Reform movement, any parsha is fair game. My parent's picked a weekend that they thought would be good for a party and we went with it. I was three months shy of my 13th birthday. I like to think that we were some semblance of frum even back then. They wanted me to have my Bat Mitzvah at 12 like most tradional people do. Also, I think the Beverly Heritage hotel was booked the weekend of my birthday.

There will be a screening of my Bat Mitzvah service this evening at my apartment on Pinehurst Ave. On it you will see all the requisite Bat Mitzvah stuff. A speech, read by me, written by my father (corny jokes and all). Me fumbling over my laining which was 100% memorized, just like my dad did at his Bar Mitzvah (he was so proud, Hi DAD!). The bracha from the Rabbi (which in my synagouge was a mix of a bracha and a shoulder massage). Little Susanne sitting on the bimah in her little pink tallis (which my mom still has in her china cabinet, assuming she'll give it to my daughter, I told her, well, she can give it to my son for his Bar Mitzvah, but I have a feeling he won't wear it). My three brothers in the front row making funny faces and fart jokes trying to get me to mess up on the davening. And most importantly, the beaming parents and grandparents sitting in the front row. I rocked that service!

Since my reception wasn't until Sunday evening, when services ended my family drove home and there was lunch (deli of course) for all my out-of-town relatives. I wasn't feeling well so I retired to the tile floor of the downstairs bathroom for a few hours. Everyone just thought it was my nerves finally kicking in. Nope, it was full blown stomach flu. So basically, as punishment for something I did in a past life, God decided to let me get through my impossible Bat Mitzvah service, but did not want me to partake in the party devoted to me. So Sunday we headed to the hotel where the ballroom was decorated with a 30 foot banner bearing my name, a live band, cardboard cut-outs of the Archie gang (as was the theme and second most important thing in my life back then, the first being softball, but I didn't think sports was an appropriate Bat Mitzvah theme, I was a huge tomboy, but even I knew that would be pushing it), and an almost perfect replica of Pop Tate's Choclit Shoppe. My mom is the ultimate party planner. She rocked this party. Stay tuned for my wedding. I know, we're all waiting for that one, myself included. But of course, I was unable to partake in any of this, because I was busy puking. My friends told me later that it was totally awesome and it was (I know that from what I saw on the video since I missed most of it while I was puking). I couldn't enter my own hula hoop and limbo contests. I couldn't eat my chicken finger dinner. I couldn't visit the all-you-could-carry candy store. I couldn't even keep a smile on my face. The reception video makes me look maniacal. Everyone around me is singing and dancing and smiling. You see me glaring at people, um, you don't seriously think you're going to put me up on a chair and throw me in the air do you? If I had puked on my chair holders, I'd still be in therapy today. I have two extremely distinct memories of that evening: 1) the candle lighting ceremony when my dad came up to light his candle with my mom, he also carried an empty ice bucket for me to run out of the room after I lit my candle and puke in the hallway and 2) after I retired to our hotel room AT 9 PM I awoke after midnight to find that my mom had already opened all my gifts. I haven't let her live that one down. But Mom, good news, 15 years is the statute of limitations on being pissed off about something that happened at your Bat Mitzvah, so you're off the hook. Not that I won't bring it up numerous times in the future, but I'm no longer angry about it.

So that was my Bat Mitzvah, Parshas BeHaAloscha, 19 Sivan 5752.

Now this is funny...

Bill and Hillary in a Sopranos finale spoof. Hysterical.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Why didn't we ever go to Applebee's when I was a kid?

All we ever went to was Sizzler and all the serve are wine coolers. I missed out man....

Toddler gets sick after California Applebee's accidentally serves margarita in his sippy cup

Antioch, Calif. (AP) — Kim Mayorga was confused when her 2-year-old started making funny faces and pushing away the apple juice he had ordered at Applebee's. The explanation came when she opened the lid of the sippy cup and was hit by the smell of tequila and Triple Sec.
The restaurant staff accidentally gave Julian Mayorga a margarita Monday. He grew drowsy and started vomiting a few hours later and was rushed to the hospital.

"I wasn't going to make a big deal about it," the mother told the Contra Costa Times on Thursday, "but then he got sick."

The apple juice and margarita mix were stored in identical plastic bottles, and the manager mistakenly grabbed the margarita container to pour the boy's drink, said Randy Tei, vice president for Apple Bay East Inc., which owns the franchise restaurant and nine other Applebee's in the San Francisco Bay area.

The Mayorgas will be reimbursed for their medical bills, and Tei said the franchise group's restaurants will no longer serve apple juice and margaritas in similar containers.
"We absolutely believe it was an honest mistake," Tei said.

The serving appeared to have been accidental, Antioch police Lt. Pat Welch said. Mayorga said her son is now doing fine.

She said the company has been very apologetic and offered free meals, but she added, "If they think I'm going back there, they're ridiculous."

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

What do Susanne and Tom Cruise have in common?

Not much. I'm tolerant of other people's religious and philosophical beliefs and have never threatened Matt Lauer. Tom believes only his credo is correct and that Matt is glib. But being such a high rank in the Church of Scientology apparently makes Tom a candidate to officiate at weddings, something that I, as an associate pastor in the the Church of Spiritual Humanism am also able to perform. Women's Wear Daily reports that Tom may perform a wedding for a friend, Australian heir James Packer, one of the church's richest benefactors this weekend. Now only if I can get my hands on some of those gourmet cupcakes that Katie Holmes Cruise has been buying for her film crew. After all, her husband and I have stuff in common.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Softball and Presbyterians

I originally sat down tonight to finish my Spain post which I've been toiling over for the last three weeks that I've been home. I took detailed notes so I could fill you in on every interesting tidbit. But I cannot find my notes anywhere because my desk is an f-ing disaster zone. So I'll hopefully finish early this week.

Anyhoo, today I had my Sunday softball games. For the last couple summers I've been joining a group of young Jews from around the city in a pick-up softball game every Sunday afternoon. Word spread and it has over time grown to have a great deal larger crowd in attendance every week. That includes a few too many people with bad attitudes. Guys complaining about umpires, bases, line ups, etc. If its not important, the guys are screaming about it. I complain too, but only when the teams are SO unbalanced that the game looses all its fun and just becomes an extended batting practice or safety is at stake. Both of those issues have come up numerous times. But what really grinds my gears is how damn sexist most of these guys are. Its like Jewish boys have been brainwashed by their single sex Yeshivas into thinking that anything they can do a girl is incapable of doing better. For example, call me pompous, but I know I am a good ball player. I have twenty-two years experience playing with very competitive people, boys and girls. I know guys who were on my Little League teams who now play in the majors and girls who I played with who have played in the Women's College World Series and in the Women's Pro League. Yet, without fail, every week, myself and the two other female regulars (also extremely capable players) tend to be picked last. In fact most of the guys picked before us tend to drop the most routine pop-ups. Last week, one of the other girls made an excellent defensive play at second to make an out and a guy on the other team chided his teammate about how embarrassed he should be cause a girl got him out. Sure, boys do that all the time. Boys. This guy was in his thirties...Whats his excuse?

Last week at the conclusion of the pick up game I wandered over to a game that was getting ready to begin. I noticed it was a co-ed team and they were short a couple ladies. In the mood for a more competitive game I asked if I could be of service. They happily welcomed me to their team. Each person came over to introduce themselves and welcomed me with a big smile. There are guys in the pick-up game I've played with for two years and I still call them by the position they play. Turns out this team was part of a Presbyterian Church league and they have games each Sunday in Central Park. They were impressed by my skills and invited me to join them for the rest of the season. I played with them again this afternoon and they were happy to see me. The players who missed last week had all heard about me from the other players and were excited that I had joined them. That made me feel pretty good. As the game was set to begin, the captain from the other team came over and invited everyone to join him in a prayer. I was like, sure, why not, I'm religious too. He asked God to watch over everyone and make sure no one gets hurt and that each and every one of us maintain a positive attitude throughout the course of the game. I was touched. Here I came from an informal pick-up game where everyone was fighting, and screaming, and complaining and these guys in a competive league game with an umpire, real bases, and uniforms and they're asking God to just allow everyone to have a good time. Score one for the Presbyterians. I can't wait until next week.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

This sounds familiar...

Just read this article in the New York Times. A dating site that tells you exactly the height and occupation of your ideal suitor would be handy in the frum world. But if you are reading this and are a 5'10" Frum Optometrist, send me a message. You're just what I'm looking for...

So apparently South Koreans meet for dates in hotel lobbys. Unheard of!

Traditional Korean Marriage Meets Match on the Internet

Published: June 6, 2007

SEOUL, South Korea, June 5 — Sitting in his office crammed with files and boxes, Lee Woong-jin, a 42-year-old entrepreneur, talks enthusiastically about his latest moneymaking plan: merging the age-old Korean matchmaking tradition with the vibrant South Korean Internet culture.

His company — which allows subscribers to search for mates online — is one of a growing number of matchmaking services in South Korea, where families still arrange many marriages. Many of the services, like Mr. Lee’s company, rely heavily on the Internet and bill themselves as being more scientific than one-person shops that use social connections to make matches.

One of Mr. Lee’s customers, Kim Su-jong, a 29-year-old pharmacist, recently listed more than 330 pieces of information about herself — including her height, weight, blood type, drinking and smoking habits and monthly pay. And, in a twist that shows how much weight the society places on the standing of a spouse’s family, she also listed the jobs and academic credentials of everyone in her immediate family.

Within seconds, the computer program produced a marriage consulting report advising her that it would be most realistic for her to get married next year to a 33-year-old dentist or herbal doctor between 5 feet 7 inches tall and 5 feet 8 inches. If she believes in horoscopes, the computer said, August would be the best month to marry, but March and September should be avoided. That information cost her $21.

For an extra charge the computer will scan a pool of 25,000 clients and send her the names of one or two men whose profiles appear to make them suitable partners.

“We built our system by analyzing the marrying patterns of 10,000 couples married through our agency,” said Mr. Lee, the chief executive of Sunoo. “Our site is not a place for Cinderellas — people with illusions of finding a prince or princess. Our emphasis is on being scientific and practical.”

More than 1,000 dating agencies operate in South Korea. They include one-person operations run, typically, by middle-aged women who seek top graduates of prestigious universities and single doctors and lawyers and introduce them to rich families with eligible sons and daughters, and the corporations like Sunoo.

With the South Korean birth rate among the lowest in the world, demographers are casting friendlier looks on these agencies, which are banned from advertising on television.

“Our low birth rate is more than a crisis, and it’s because fewer people get married,” said Cho Nam-hoon, director of the government-funded Center for Low Fertility and Aging Studies. “The government should encourage the matchmaking industry. Perhaps it should start its own matchmaking service.”

Marriage is becoming optional, not a rite of passage, for South Koreans, with more men insecure about their jobs, and more women favoring work outside the home over rearing children. In 2005, 51 percent of South Koreans in their 20s and 30s were unmarried, five percentage points higher than in 2000.

In traditional Korea, where Confucian mores frowned on the mingling of the sexes, young people were brought together by matchmakers, usually old women in their villages.

Even now, marriage is widely viewed as a contract between two families, and parents often take charge. They check a candidate’s looks, education, income and horoscope. On weekends, young men and women might face each other awkwardly in a hotel restaurant after being dragged there by their parents for a matchmaking session.

“More than half our 10,000 clients were brought to us by their parents,” said Hong Kyung-hee of the Daks Club agency who has helped 100 couples tie the knot. “South Korea remains very conservative when it comes to marriage.”

For parents concerned with “saving face,” an agency can take care of the awkward business of checking backgrounds and, perhaps, rejecting a candidate introduced by friends.

For singles, using the agencies can reduce the risks of a blind date by screening potential suitors.

Leading companies like LG Electronics and Samsung ask agencies to organize group blind dates as a benefit for single employees. And major banks vie for rich private customers by offering free matchmaking for their children.

“We still find it hard to approach members of the opposite sex,” said Cha Hyun-seok, 34, an employee at LG Chemicals, who attended a recent matchmaking party organized by a dating agency. “There must be a go-between. So this is a useful service for me.”

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Spain post to follow

Just got back from Spain yesterday. So much to tell you about, so little time to type it up. Lots of great stories to share (I took notes so I wouldn't forget it all like I did after my cruise!) Stay tuned...

Sunday, May 20, 2007


I am off to backpack through Spain, the reigning anti-semitism capitol of Europe. We needed security clearance to go to shul for Shavuous. Personally, I think we should do background checks at my shul, Mt. Sinai in Washington Heights. Keep out all the freaks and geeks. They've been crowding the place. We are spending Shavuous in Madrid before heading to the cities in the South. Will fill you all in upon my return. Shalom!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Great Jewish Women Joke

Funny joke that I heard while watching a clip for the JAP Show, an Off-Broadway (sometimes off-color ;)) show featuring some of the best female Jewish stand-ups.

Four Jewish women are playing Mah Jong.

The first one says, "Ladies, you have known me for 12 years and I have to confess something. I'm a kleptomaniac, but you don't have to worry I would never take any of your stuff."

The second woman says, "Okay we're confessing? I'll tell you. I am a nymphamaniac, but don't worry I would never go near any of your husbands."

The third woman says, "Okay we're confessing? Well I'm a lesbian, but don't think for a minute that I'd make a pass at any of you."

And the last one says, "What you girls don't know about me is that I am a Yenta and if you'll excuse me I have a few phone calls to make."

Friday, May 11, 2007

Ordained Clergy Person

So on a whim a couple summers ago I decided to become an Ordained Clergy Person (OCP for short). A coworker of mine who was in Rabbinical school (YCT to be exact, I know, shocker there) told me that he was asked to officiate a close friend's weddding, but because he hadn't completed his Rabbinic studies he wasn't considered an ordained member of the clergy by the state of Connecticut. So it was suggested to him to visit the website for Spiritual Humanism and sign up to become a clergymember so he could perform the ceremony official in that state. I decided to follow his lead and join myself. On August 22nd, 2005 I completed my studies (okay, I read the Terms and Conditions page and put a checkmark in a box) and became an Ordained Clergy Person. The Church of Spiritual Humanism defines itself as a religion based on the ability of human beings to solve the problems of society using logic and science. I don't like the fact that it calls itself a "church" because of all the connotations with Christianity and the fact that I am a Jew, but what the hey, I'm OCP now. Next comes the clergy parking pass. Today I ordered the kit with the ID card and certificate and chose my work address for delivery. So next week the National Jewish Outreach Program will receive a package from the Church of Spiritual Humanism. When I told Tamarzeepoo this she said, "Oh Jesus, no pun intended." Tamar rules.

So messed up...

Al-Aqsa TV showed a clip on a children's show of a character very similiar to Mickey Mouse basically encouraging kids to join forces with the jihad and support Hamas. This might be the most messed up crap I've ever seen. Well, this and the movie Date Movie. That was pretty terrible too.

Perils Before Swine takes on...


Thank goodness I never write about butt scratching. Oh but, Tamarzeepoo just ate a bug. That was kinda funny.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Long takes

I was directed to this blog post off of the IMDb Hot List of interesting articles and websites devoted to entertainment. This blog describes in its opinion "The Greatest Long Tracking Shots in Cinema". Shots like these in a movie are like crack for me. I get totally giddy. Remember, the ones listed are only from movies so the ridiculous Tommy Schlamme shots that I loved in the West Wing, Sports Night, and Studio 60 are unfortunately not eligible here. But a couple of my favorites are on the list including the opening scene of Boogie Nights (we meet almost every character in the entire movie in this 3 minute single camera shot, incredible!) and the car chase scene from Children of Men (at almost 4:30 minutes it wasn't until about minute three that I realize I'm holding my breath through the suspense, ridiculous!). Watch some of the listed clips and let me know if there are other movies that you think should have been listed. Enjoy!

Monday, May 07, 2007

My alternate reality

We have a tradition at Shabbos meals in the Heights to go around the table and have everyone introduce themselves. Usually the host/ess will suggest a fun question for the guests to answer after announcing their name and where they are from which is nice because it fleshes out a little more about the guests' personalities. I even helped Arona create an in depth list of potential questions a couple summers ago. Questions on the list that I recall are, "If you had a tattoo, where would it be and why?" and "If you were asked to murder one of the other guests, who would you kill?" I didn't come up with the last question (I'm not maniacal) but as for the tattoo I would get a Spongebob tattoo on my right buttock, in case you are wondering.

At lunch this past Shabbos there was a wonderful suggestion. If you could experience an alternate reality, live an alternate life for yourself, what would it be? Where would you live? What would you do? What would your name be? Would you still be Jewish? Frum? Etc, etc. Seems kind of complex but everyone was able to come up with an answer. Considering half the table has degrees in psychology I wonder if they have ever asked this question of their bipolar/multiple personality patients, but whatev, I had fun with it. Not surprisingly, most everyone chose a life where they were happily in relationships, and of course most everyone had a trust fund. Anyway, I thought I would share with you my alternate reality.

Hi, my name is Susanne, but in this life S-U-S is the proper spelling for the name to make up for the fact that growing up I was never able to by a keychain from Disneyland that was not spelled S-U-Z-A-N-N-E. I hated that.

I am a US Congresswoman for the 48th District of California, the first Democratic representative in this area in many years. Go me!

I am still frum although in this reality, the laws of kashrus are suspended for three reasons: 1) I hate gefilte fish, 2) I cannot imagine my kids not experiencing Chicken McNuggets with Sweet & Sour sauce (yummmmmmm), 3) Chicken Parmesan is the greatest food in the universe.

I have a wonderful husband named Brad. Although he is a partner in his law firm he still manages to make it home every night for dinner and to tuck the kids in bed. Theres no need to stay late billing extra hours when we could live comfortably on his trust fund and occasional modeling gigs for Abercrombie and Fitch (I occasinally model for them as well, but my constituents think its a little bit too racy). We have 3 kids, two boys and a girl, which is a lot of work but my husband insists on getting up with them for late night feedings and glasses of water. On Sunday mornings my husband and I coach their Little League teams, and then we all go to Norm's for breakfast.

We live in Irvine, California. The Orthodox community in Irvine has been revitalized by young frum families and our nickname is now the "Teaneck of the West Coast" with plenty of shuls to choose from and young professinals like ourselves to be friends with. All of my friends followed my lead and moved here as well. They were attracted by the tax break bill I sponsored last year for accountants living in Orange County.

My husband and I also have a townhouse in Georgetown just 2 blocks from Kesher Israel for the days I am in DC for important legislation. At Kesher we rub elbows with Senator Joe Lieberman every Shabbos, as he laments to himself how silly it was to try to run for Vice President with John McCain as a running mate in 2008. I laugh everytime I think about it.

Well, thats about it. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll be sure to respond with an answer. Like where Brad and I met, kids ages, etc etc. I'd be happy to fill you in. Take care!

And now a word from our sponsor:
No, I am not mental. Just bored. Try writing your own. Its kind of fun.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Note to Key Food Purchasing Manager

For my meal Friday night I was assigned gefilte fish. I trekked out to Key Food on Thursday night to buy a couple loafs. I was AMAZED to find ELEVEN different frozen gefilte fish options. Thats, um, about 9 options too many. Then I went into our new and approved kosher aisle and found another 70 jars of gefilte fish. SEVENTY! No joke! Why on Earth would they stock so much fish? Jarred gefilte fish is probably one of the grossest things known to man. Gefilte fish as is is just gross fish that no one eats ground up and mushed together with spices and sugar. When you add the jelly that comes standard in the jar variety you have the most unappetizing culinary treat known to man. In middle America when you visit the local supermarket kosher section you will find certain staples. Manischewitz brand matzah, Manischewitz brand yartzeit candles, Manischewitz brand grape juice, and Manischewitz brand gefilte fish. Thats usually it. We get it. Jews like gefilte dish. Fine, have one kind of jarred gefilte fish on your shelf. My buddy Susie refuses to eat fish that isn't from the jar, so I can appreciate that some folks don't like the "gourmet" loaf version. But even she does not need so many choices of regular gefilte fish. Key Food had Gefilte Fishlets Liquid (eww), Gefilte Fish Jelled, Gefilte Fish Liquid, Sweet Gefilte Fish, Whitefish & Pike Jelled, Whitefish & Pike Liquid, Sweet Whitefish & Pike, Premium Gold Gefilte Fish Jelled, All Whitefish Liquid, All Whitefish Jelled, Reduced Sodium Gefilte Fish Jelled, Reduce Sodium Whitefish & Pike Jelled, and many many more different flavors and at least 5 different brands of each. Excessive? I think so.

Sucks for you

I'm getting ready to head down to the Israel Day Parade and listening to my favorite Sunday morning experience, Acoustic Sunrise (7am-noon on New York's JACK FM 101.1, AWESOME music), when the DJ introduced an Edwin McCain song by saying "and now time for Hootie and the Blowfish protege, Edwin McCain!". I was thinking, well that sucks for him. Didn't Hootie and the Blowfish break-up and no one listens to their music anymore. Edwin, if I were you I'd sue for libel.

More to come on these interesting topics!!!

Key Food's Gefilte Fish Selection!

Shabbos Table Introduction Topics! (this one's a doozy)

Israel Day Parade Follow-up!

and More!!!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Tips for Meeting a Nice Jewish Boy (or Girl)

Thanks to DJ's non-Jewish boss for sending this article to her. He's apparently trying to get into Olam Habah by sending her stuff like this and running searches on Frumster on DJ's behalf. My favorite was when she told me he asked her, "DJ? Do you consider yourself Modern Orthodox Liberal, or Modern Orthodox Mock-mirr?" Love her stories! Enjoy the article and good luck finding your Bashert.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

My 2008 Candidates

I thought it would be fun to share with you where I'm holding in the '08 Presidential Race. I would vote somewhere in the below order starting with my number one choice through whatever. Some of them aren't yet "official" candidates (ahem! Al Gore), but still thought they should be included.

1) Al Gore (D). Come on already man. Run for something. You were awesome at the Oscar's and I swear I had goosebumps when I had thought you were announcing your candidacy onstage with Leonardo DiCaprio. Until the orchestra started playing, effectively drowning you out as part of a not so funny gag, in my mind at least. Plus, his wife Tipper Gore is my celebrity look-a-like. Seriously, its uncanny. I could get jobs as a first lady impersonator. And my final reason, I already voted for you. I'm not saying the US wouldn't be having the hard times we are if you had won, but at least we would receive a educated response to our questions, instead of an awshucks BS one that we currently are stuck with. You are the man Al!

2) Hillary Clinton (D). As I've stated before, I really like Hillary. I've met her on several locations and feel a great sincerity and intelligence every time she speaks. I find her, as well as her daughter Chelsea, to be great role models for women everywhere. Plus, how great would it be to put Bill back in the White House. I so want to be invited to one of his keggers.

3) Bill Richardson (D). His credentials speak for themselves. He is a wonderful diplomat, most recently sent by President Bush to North Korea to negotiate the release of the remains of deceased US servicemen, oh and while he was there discussed the dismantling of their nuclear program. I think he can work better than any of the other candidates with a bipartisan congress. He is extremely well liked by his constituents in both parties, winning his Gubernatorial reelection last year by one of the largest margins. He is also the only candidate currently with executive experience, currently serving as the Governor of New Mexico, a swing state, by the way. I would feel more confident about voting for him if I knew he had better odds. A stupid reason, but honest. Maybe he'll move up my list soon...

4) John Edwards (D). Not a great deal of experience (was that only one term as Senator?) but I think he connects well to the concerns of the nation. At least that was until the gossip last week that he spent $800 for two haircuts at some floofy Beverly Hills salon. Seriosuly bro, I get mine cut every three months at Supercuts for twenty bucks and my hair still looks better than yours. Stop doing crap like that and get back to the basics. You can't campaign on your good ole boy childhood and let stories like that slip out. Pull it together and get back on track. My prayers are with John's wife Elizabeth as she treats her cancer. She is a tough woman.

5) John McCain (R). Could I vote for a Republican? Possibly. Probably not over any of the above candidates, but certainly over any of those listed below him. I hate his position on the war. But a redeeming factor came while I was watching the Dixie Chicks documentary (stop laughing, I'm being serious) Shut Up and Sing. There is a scene when the Dixie Chicks' manager, Simon Renshaw is testifying before a Senate Commerce committee about FCC regulation and how different radio conglomerates banned the Dixie Chicks' music from any of their station holdings after the Dixie Chicks spoke negatively of President Bush. This therefore, meant that other politcal thoughts might be banned on public radio stations. While every other Republican was siding with "big business", John McCain spoke in the Dixie Chicks favor. He said "I was as offended as anyone by the statement of the Dixie Chicks, but to restrain their trade because they exercised their right of free speech is remarkable." Could he be a Republican president who if elected actually did and said what is right, as opposed to what the RNC tells him? I wonder.

6) Mitt Romney (R). Hes a mormon. They are about as close as we can come to electing an Ortho. Hell, Mormoms practially wear tzizus (they do wear special holy undergarments) and give ridiculous amounts of money to their church (tithing like frum Jews, 10% of their income). Hes one frum dude. Okay, just kidding. I probably wouldn't vote for him.

7) Barack Obama (D). Who? Where did this guy come from? I'd never heard of him until last year. He is a first term, junior Senator from Illinois. Sure hes a wonderful orator, hes good looking, and very well educated. But what kind of experience does he have that he should be the leader of the free world? I'm 100% in favor of a President who is not a white, middle aged, male. Thats why I have Hillary (female) and Bill Richardson (Hispanic) near the top of my list. Obama, leave this race right now and run again in 8 years. You will have my vote. I promise. But first you need to put on public record where you stand on the issues. And convince me that you are passionate about Israel a little bit more.

8) Rudy Giuliani (R). You are probably surprised that he is so far down my list. I feel that he is even less capable to do this job than Barack Obama. As I said before, we are ready to vote for a minority or a women, but I'm not so sure honestly that Southern Conservatives are ready for a twice divorced guy (who dated his current wife while still married to the previous one). We forgive a lot of things. Our President is a recovering alcoholic. John Kerry and Joe Lieberman have been divorced (as well as tons of others, these just popped into my mind) and are elected to the Senate. Ted Kennedy killed someone!!! But philandering soooo openly is a no no. Hell, we impeached Bill Clinton (one of the greatest modern presidents) when he was caught with his pants down with a women who wasn't his wife. Yes, Rudy did a wonderful job handling the aftermath of 9/11. I was inspired by him a great deal. But running the 5 boroughs doesn't compare to the United States.

And in no particular order:

Additional Democratic Presidential Candidates
Joe Biden
Chris Dodd
Dennis Kucinich

Additional Republican Presidential Candidates
Sam Brownback
Mike Huckabee
Tommy Thompson
Jim Gilmore
Duncan Hunter

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How I spent my Yom Haatzmaut

A laffa from Golan Heights. I went with the Reifer because the restaurant was participating in America Eats For Israel, a campaign where kosher places around the country donated 10% of yesterday's proceeds to Israeli charity.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Bearcats Game 1

Yesterday my softball league began. I play for the JAB Bearcats. That stands for the Jewish Alumni of Binghamton Bearcats (the Bing Mascot). It was originally started a few years back by a group of Binghamton Alumni. Currently we have like 1 alum left on the team. Its made up this year by a lot of new faces, including a new coach Josh G who has replaced Avi D who made aliyah. There one NJ on the team who I kind of feel sorry for because some of my funniest jokes are Jewishly oriented. For instance, one of the league rules is that the base coaches cannot touch base runners, including high fives, pats on the back/butt, etc, and the umpire made it very clear that he would call the runner out if he saw anything like that. I told everyone the umpire had a strict shomer negiah policy. And we all laughed. But not the NJ. I don't think he got it.

I hit 2 for 3 which isn't bad but I wasn't very impressed by my hits. I've got to work on my swing and find a more comfortable bat. Heres what I hate. Men. They are annoying. All in all I played a pretty good game. No ridiculous errors. I got some hits. Made some put outs at first base. Ran agressively around the bases. Slid into home to score a run. But whats the thing the men acknowledged? When my hotty teammate caught a routine pop up in the outfield. So annoying.

We beat RIA Pubs by 6 runs. So either 12-6 or 10-4 or something like that. They were previously undefeated. So go us. Our team came together pretty well. I hope we can keep up the good fortune. Go Bearcats!

Monday, April 23, 2007


Okay, you're not the only one complaining that I'm not updating the blog enough for your tastes. Pesach was fine. I ate lots of matzah. We ran out of good matzah on day 6 so I had to revert to shmura matzah, which is HORRIBLE. Turns out my dad was eating like a pound a day of my Yehuda with his morning peanut butter fix which isn't even kosher for passover! Not for us ashkenazis at least. I went to Universal with Rachel over Chol Hamoed and got a little crazy.

I got to hang out with my favorite doggy in the whole wide world, Giovanni. I even tried to smuggle him back to New York in my suitcase. But he didn't let me.

Mom? Dad? Would it kill you to stick him in a box and send him to New York for a couple weeks? I love that guy. Hes such a bad ass.

Now I'm back super busy with Shabbat Across America which is in less than two weeks!!! My shul is running the program and NO ONE has RSVPed yet. So if you know anyone in Washington Heights who wants to experience Shabbos please encourage them to attend. Knock on their doors. I already harassed all my neighbors who have mezuzahs on their doors. And most of them turned out to be apartments belonging to Dominicans whose previous tenants left up their mezuzahs on their way to a better neighborhood. Anyway, I need to go watch Heroes and go to bed. Peace.