Thursday, August 31, 2006

Nebbach on Tara Reid

Oh Tara. We remember you as the soft-spoken coed Vicky responsible for deflowering one of the title characters in American Pie. Or then there was your role as the inquisitive reporter for your college paper in Van Wilder. Those were your best roles ever. Since then I assume she fired her agent and started making her own management decisions. Thats when she took on hosting roles on the horrendous shows "Wild On..." and "Taradise." Oy gevalt. Well, her world came crashing down again this week when someone caught on tape the unfortunate actress as she tried to score a VIP entrance into a hot Hollywood club. Not only were paparazzis snapping her picture when she walked up to the bouncer but she was flanked by an entourage, a mucho importante celeb accessory. And then it happened. She was denied. BIG time. Nebbach. Caught on tape. And not neccesarily the Rick Salomon caught on tape experience. No no, this version was of the negative publicity variety. Speaking of director extrardinaire Rick Salomon, while Tara is shown being berated by the skinny white gay bouncer, who comes strolling through the VIP line and into the club? Well, no other than fellow party girl Paris Hilton, star of Rick's last movie. Theres even a shot of her leering at Tara as she slips right past the red velvet rope. This video is devastating. I really feel for Tara. Okay, she did get to play an Archie comics character in one movie and she did kiss megastud Ryan Reynolds in another. And all I ever did was a commercial at 12 and Family Feud at 21. Hmmm, nope I still feel sorry for the girl. Check out the video and tell me what you think.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Jews and Constipation

I wake up to Z100 every morning. Mostly out of default. Theres no country station in New York city and my little Kaboodle alarm clock that I've had since my Bat Mitzvah doesn't exactly get the best reception. The Z Morning Zoo is the morning show led by Elvis Duran. They are actually pretty funny, way better than that Rick Dees banter I grew up with. They have different segments every morning as I am trying to roll out of bed. Danielle Monaro does the Sleaze which tells us all about all the new celeb gossip and John Bell does Stupid News. Today John read a doozy.

A major Jewish philanthrapist decided last spring to donate like a million pounds of leftover Passover matzah to the poverty stricken, malnourished population of Ethiopia. What was obviously not taken into account was the damage matzah does to the human digestive system. The country of Ethiopia dealt with their first ever national crisis of constipation. Thats right. These folks never had much to eat, so once they added tons of matzah to their diets they found themselves dealing with horrible constipation. We Jews complain about the after effects of matzah eating all Passover long. But we are mixing our matzah with a diet of greasy meat and potatoes from our Seder feast, so usually the constipation is bearable. These poor Ethiopians. Talk about affliction...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

My almost fistfight at Verizon Wireless

Sometimes I think I have anger management problems (see post for reference). But then I realize thats not the case. Everyone around me is just really really stupid.

Take this for an example. Last week I went to pick up my new phone at Verizon Wireless. Now I take my ability to get a new phone seriously. I knew the date was coming up so in early August I called their customer service to check which day I was eligible. They said August 22nd. So I had my whole day planned out. I was going to take a late lunch because if you show up at the store at 2 pm the lunchtime rush customers are clearing out and its just before the folks who think they are outsmarting the lunch rush crowd stroll in at 3. between 2 and 2:15 the store is empty. So I stroll in pick out my new phone and rush to the empty Phone Pick-Up line. I hand the girl behind the counter my order and she tells me that because this particular phone line was started by my parents when I was in college the main person on the account has to approve my new phone and contract agreement. I of course ask to speak to the manager since I've signed my own contracts in this store for the last 5 years. He declines. So I irrately get my mom on the phone since she is the business person in the family who handles all the fam's bills and overall annoying things like this. I'm getting pissed, I'm on my lunch hour so sitting around their damn store with a bunch of stupid people drove me nuts. I tell her to call Verizon and add my name to the decision makers list. The girl behind the counter says it shouldn't take more then 10 minutes. She calls them up and they inform her that she is not on the decision makers list either. they tell her my mom needs to be added to the list as well. They ask to speak to Dr. Harvey who's name is on the official contract. So my mom begins to get pissed and explains my father never dealt with the bill or contracts on these phones. Hell, I'm proud of him for knowing how to dial out on his cell phone. But they insist on speaking with him and my mom gives them his phone number at work.

My dad is a doctor and had to step out in the middle of an exam to answer the idiot from customer service. So she says to him (probably with drool dripping down her stupid chin) "Dr. Goldstein?" Yeah, okay, this is Verizon's crack team of contractual enforcers. They can't even read the damn name on the contract. "He says, no this is Dr. Goldstone". According to my mom she decided she reached the wrong person at this point because it wasn't the Dr. Goldstein she was calling for. She hung up apparently. This is the point where I started pacing around the store and giving dirty looks to everyone.

So at this point my whole family is enraged with Verizon Wireless to the point of discussion of pulling our entire family contract from their company, which altogether we are probably paying quite a few hundred dollars a month, and taking it to another company. Word to the wise Verizon. Stop pissing off your customers. You want proof that I am who I am, don't have a retard high school dropout call my dad in the middle of a busy workday for verification. The fact that my drivers license has the same address as the billing zip code should have been sufficient evidence that I am the same Susanne Goldstone who owns this phone. So an hour later (not 10 minutes like Satan Lady behind the counter guestimated) we finally got verification my my phone was brought out. Good news is, I must have created such a ruckus that the babe forgot to charge me for switching over my contacts list. Score! Anyone got T-Mobile's number?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

My Papa was the Man!

It was my Papa's yartzeit (anniversary of his passing) yesterday the 23rd. In Judaism, one of our customs is to light a candle to burn in memory of the individual. So at sundown of the 22nd my mom lit her Manischewitz brand yartzeit candle in memory of her dad, my papa, David Drexler. Now, just so you know, my Papa was the coolest dude around. He lost a great deal of his family in the Holocaust and imigrated from Austria. He was a barber by trade and because of that was meticulously well groomed. I think he probably used a straight razor until the day he died. No Bics for him. And his coolest quality...he thought WWF wrestling was real. Even as a little kid I knew Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper weren't really trying to kill each other in the ring. But he would be sitting there on the La-Z-Boy screaming at the screen shouting "Rip his head off!!!". Therefore, my brother Alan and I would invite all of our friends over to watch Wrestlemania on our illegally unscrambled Pay-Per-View station. Instead of staring at the TV, most of us kept our eyes glued on Papa. Hell, I found him way more exciting. Also, whenever we would be eating together, he would constantly be commenting on what I'm doing. "Why aren't you eating", "You took too much food", etc etc, forcing my Granny to scream something in Yiddish that sounds like (Dov, Nisht blah blah blah ) which probably meant, "Dov, stop that and keep your eyes on your own darn plate!" I wish I knew yiddish. All I ever learned from various family members were bad words. They only spoke yiddish when they didn't want us to know what they were shouting about. You know what I mean? Papa was just an awesome dude. He didn't talk much and usually grunted a hello when approached, but he was totally cool. Anyway, moral of the story is, my mom just called to say the 24 hour memorial candle she lit Tuesday night is still burning bright two days later. Just like theres still a little bit of Papa still burning in me. Papa, I miss you. You were a righteous righteous dude.

Rabbi Susanne saves the day!

Once again, our Heroine Susanne's fake Rabbinic skills and justifications come to the rescue as seen in the Gmail Chat conversation with my bud ES the JD. Oh yeah, ES that is your new name. Good times.

ES JD: forgot to daven... should I do shacharit now or wait for mincha? bc its rosh chodesh?

me: shacharis
i figure ill wake up on shab at 11 and daven

ES JD: k

me: rabbi susanne to the rescue!

Some of you may claim, "what she didn't even consult a calendar to check what time chatzot is?!" But come on people, I spent last Shabbos in Crown Heights. Lubavs are notorious for davening late but when I got to my Shabbos lunch (which was called for 2:30 PM btw since 770 davening begins at like 10:30 am) someone showed up at 3 pm who claimed to have just woken up and I am convinced pulled out a siddur and began to daven Shacharis. Chodesh Tov everyone!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Who the Hell is Mel?

Who is it that keeps commenting claiming to be Mel Gibson? You keep giving me a giggle. Nice guys are hard to come by. So Yes Mel I Will Marry You! Who needs a religious Jewish guy when a rich, goy, anti-semite finally gets up the nerve to ask!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Jewish Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Sure, there might be 4 plus months left to shop for your Christmas presents. But one month from today, September 17th, is my birthday. Of course its also my friends RS, AW, and DAE's birthdays as well on this very day, but you don't need to shop around for gifts for them...just for me. The other night it occured to me just how old I am going to be this coming year and I let out a little yelp. I am really old. Your gifts better be awesome!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Just a quickie!

After long deliberation my awesome new chef roommate finally remembered what important info Elysia RS had to convey to me. I couldn't imagine what info this might be since the last time I saw ERS she was wiping down tables a few months back at the fabulous new Heights pizza joint Lake Como Pizza (which I enjoyed, mostly for the free samples they passed around at the grand opening, but still they were good free samples), don't worry, she doesn't work there but was helping out a friend who owns/runs the place. Finally roomie BK was like, "OH!", and remembered that ERS passed on word that she reads the blog and finds it funny. I don't know if BK added the "she thinks its funny" part to humor me or not, but I still appreciate that cool people are discovering my blog. If you read my blog and I am unaware send me a shout out so I can acknowledge you. Good times. Peace!

Monday, August 14, 2006

My Days of Thunder

The first song on my iPod this morning totally spoke to me. I was listening to it and started to reminisce about my California buddies and I got kinda sad. This past Saturday was one of best bud's from back in the days wedding. Since it was on Saturday and I'm Shomer Shabbos (Sabbath Observant) I wasn't able to attend. On top of that I'm a doofus and had in my head that the wedding was next Saturday so I called her Sunday night to say howdy before they left for Cali for the wedding. Thank goodness her cell was off and I wasn't disturbing their honeymoon. That would have sucked big time. Anyway, the song this morn was Days of Thunder by Brooks and Dunn.

"Looking back on those days of thunder
Shake my head and I have to wonder
How we ever made it through that
Every night you're taking me back
Desert road and a restless wind
Ain't it good to feel that way again
Here we are the way we were
And those days of thunder."

This song and Wide Open Spaces from the Dixie Chicks (and really Any Man of Man, but thats for different reasons) always make my think of my girls in California. Those days really were my days of thunder and my friends really helped me live my life to the fullest. I miss you guys so much. I know no one reads this blog from there...but I wanted to put it out there for you. Jen and Larry...I wish you guys all the best the world has to offer. You both complement each other so well and I'm so happy you found each other. Even though it was in a bar in Vegas and if I were there I would have been like, Jen, gross, you can't meet a good guy in a bar in Vegas. Good thing I wasn't there. I wish I could have shared the big day with you. Love you guys!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Forgiving Mel

Okay, heres my Mel rant:

Mel Gibson's latest idiodicy scares me. And I mean, it really freaks me out. The guy doesn't like Jews. So why enter a profession where a majority of studios are run by, you guessed it, Jews? Take Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) for example, one of the earliest and largest production houses. Before these 3 companies became one huge one they were Metro Pictures, run at the time by Marcus Loew, the yid who went on to own a whole bunch of other stuff including hotels and theater chains, Goldwyn Pictures Corp., another yid, and Louis B. Mayer Pictures (can you get more yid then that?!). Why not get a job with people who share your views, like say, spokesperson for the KKK. Of course, Mel Gibson's dad Hutton, the infamous Holocaust denier, would have to retire from the position before he could assume it.

After hearing of his anti-semitic tirade to the Jewish officer, who by the way, sooo does not look Jewish, I almost found them comical. Here was a drunk dude just blabbering out of his mind about the F*****g Jews and how Jews are causing all these wars. That was until I realized how I get when I myself am out of my mind drunk. I might not get in my car to drive home (only tried that once, before I barfed on the driver's side door and then asked a friend to drive). I become the crazy paranoid drunk honest lady. All my inhibitions fly themselves out the window. Hell, I even remember asking a hot guy to prom when I was really drunk. That fact embarrassed me the next morning. Thank God he didn't say yes. I would have died. But the fact is nothing holds you back and nothing holds your tongue in that situation. All those feelings you have that you would never share sober find a way to slip out. I one time professed my love for someone that I never would have done sober. And yes, they still make fun of me to this day. I'll never live that one down. So the point is, Mel meant what he said. He hates Jews. He blames us for all the wars. You know how we know that? Cause that night on Pacific Coast Highway when he was pulled over by Officer Mee, he wasn't wearing the mask he wears every day when he leaves for the movie set. Just like almost anyone whos been to Mexico will tell you, tequila is a dangerous dangerous substance. If you don't believe me, ask anyone who was in that little bar in Rosarita when I found myself dancing with Kevin H. That last shot was a bad bad idea. Oy.

What I cannot force myself to understand is how accepting the Jewish community has been to this situation. Why we didn't just close the book on him after the Passion of the Christ I do not know. When I heard that an LA Rabbi invited him to speak at their Yom Kippur services I freaked out. In the JTA article It’s not about the publicity, insist Jewish groups inviting Mel Gibson the Rabbi in question David Baron said “In our faith, we are commanded to forgive when the offending party takes the necessary steps and offers an apology from the heart.” No Rabbi. Thats not how it works. Apologizing is not an easy thing in Jewish law. If the offender has done teshuva (repented), and is sincere in his or her repentance then we can forgive them. But we should only forgive him if he meant what he said. The type of forgiveness Rabbi Baron is offering is slicha. This is a more emotional forgiveness. It is given when you feel that the other person is only human and therefore deserving of sympathy. I'm sorry, and it might be wrong to say, but I don't think Mel is deserving of our sympathy. I'm not going to be sympathetic to a murderer because they had a tough upbringing and I sure as hell won't be sympathetic towards Mel because he is an alcoholic and has such a hard life. How many millions did he make for his last film?

The good news (and of course something good always comes out of this sort of thing) is that some other Jewish groups are using this as a starting point for a much more important discussion. NJOP asks the question Should Mel Gibson Be Forgiven? The group has created a blog of sorts entitled Project Forgiveness for people to discuss the topic of forgiveness and even post (anonymously if they prefer) things that they would like to apologize for. I'm interested to see how quickly this site takes off as we are leading up to the Days of Awe.

And then of course we have the humor in the situation. Thank God we have guys like Jon Stewart who can take the edge off. In his segment which one poster titled Mel-o-Drama he humorously discusses Mel. Being a Jew himself, Stewart was probably offended by the remarks but chose to make light of them to help us keep our sanity.

There was also this shirt I saw on eBay today:
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

But my favorite point of all was made by no other than Natalie Maines, the famous Bush basher. The Dixie Chicks, which I'm sure you all know from reading my past blogs, got themselves into a great deal of trouble for being critical of the President and making the simple statement that they are ashamed the President is from Texas. Their whole world practically imploded after that night. At the Dixie Chicks concert last week after dedicating their song White Trash Wedding to Mel "not a bigot" Gibson and pointing out that he used alchohol as his primary defense, Natalie told the sold out crowd, "All our controversies would have been over if I checked myself into rehab and said that I was drunk and didn't know what I was saying." The Dixie Chicks made one statement 3 years ago about the President and their careers are still suffering because of it. Are we going to allow Mel to get off any easier? I hope the hell not.

"To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine." I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready to forgive him just yet. If he can prove to us that his apology really is truthful, then, and only then can we move on. Maybe twenty years from now I'll finally rent his new movie Apocalypto. That is, if Just One of the Guys is all checked out. Best cheesy 80s movie ever! Rent it! Peace!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Well in the meantime...heres an anecdote

Tamar, my protege at the National Jewish Outreach Program, often asks me for advice when making calls to various locations to see if they want to run our Jewish education programs. She dialed a phone number and quickly asked, "What's Jewish Family Service?" I was like, "dude, I think like they help abused children and stuff". So she said, "so what, maybe the kids want to learn Hebrew". She thought about it for a sec and hung up the phone. I agree, Hebrew is probably the last thing on their minds.

I'm sorry

I need to apologize to all my loyal fans, um, i mean readers, since I've been toying with a draft of a Mel Gibson post all week and just haven't yet finished. Please be patient. As more gossip comes out about the freak anti-semite, the blog just gets better and better. I love you all!