Saturday, January 31, 2009

25+ Random Things about Me

This list was too hard to narrow down so my 25, so I'm doing as many as I want. I'll just keep going until my life stops being interesting. Plus some may have subcategories. Be prepared...

1. I was kicked out of the Hebrew Academy in preschool for A) counting sweaters instead of learning the Aleph-Bet and B) Corrupting Lubavitchers. They punished me by making me rake leaves with the janitor Jose. I was 4. That school should have been shut down. Its better now I've heard.

2. I was then held back in kindergarten for:
A) Reckless endangerment of my classmates; One time I tried to stab someone with a #2 pencil during California Achievement Tests. I missed her and instead stabbbed myself in the pinkie. The graphite is still visibly embedded to this day. Ask to see it next time you see me.
B) Not being able to figure out how to tie my shoes the way my teacher prescribed. To this day I still tie them in the special way I devised when I was 5. No bunny ears for me!!
C) One day I told my teacher I changed my name to Susie because I couldn't write the letter N. More on that story here.
D) I kicked the Principal in the groin. Or at least, thats how the legend goes.

3. My brother Brian's favorite "Let's embarrass Susanne" story is...when I was 6 I asked my mom if I could walk to the store around the corner and get an ice cream. She said no. So I went upstairs and stole money from my dad's antique slot machine and snuck out to go to the store. My bro got home 20 minutes later and asked my mom, "why is Susanne walking down the street by herself with an ice cream cone in one hand and a king size Snickers in the other?"

4. My mom sent me to Camp Ramah for a month when I was 8. I refused to send her any letters because I was so enraged. She finally begged me to send her a postcard (see pic). So I started sending hatemail. Sending your homebody kid away for a month with no friends should be considered torture. I missed my Atari...

5. When I was 10 I devised a plan to runaway from home with my next door neighbor Rani Cohen. We were going to ride his scooter all the way to Mexico. Via the 405 Freeway. We stole nickels from the slot machine to finance our trip. We made it down the block before I got bored and told him to turn back.

6. I am OBSESSED with Archie comics. My Bat Mitzvah was Archie-themed with a real Pop Tate's Choklit Shoppe and souvenirs were sweatshirts with a cartoon of me, Archie, and the gang. I'm wearing it right now.

7. My mom refuses to give away the pink tallis I wore at my Bat Mitzvah. She says she wants it to be an heirloom for my children. Fine mom, but my son's will hate you forever if you make me pass it onto my kids because my daughter's sure ain't wearing it.

8. I seriously fear that my children will be as nuts as I was. I thank God everyday how even tempered my husband is. He'll keep them in line. Yeah, him and a strong prescription for Ritalin.

9. I was an Eader Beaver (an Eader Eagle once they discovered Eader Beaver sounded obscene), a Sowers Viking, an Edison Charger, and a Yeshiva Maccabbee!

10. My favorite foods growing up were McDonald's Chicken McNuggets, fried shrimp from Sizzler, and Chicken Parmigiana. Now that I'm kosher I haven't had them in over a decade.

11. I invented the game FTJ (Find the Jew) on a trip to New York in 10th grade.

12. I was kicked out of Bais Rivkah production in Crown Heights with Stacey Gluck for yelling out names of the performers. We didn't know any of them. We just kept screaming Go Chani! Go Rivky! Go Rochel Leah! figuring it was likely that someone on stage had that name. Mrs. Swerdlow the Principal stopped the show to get on the mike to yell at us.

13. Was at the finale of Spring Awakening on Broadway. In fact, saw the show 5 times in the course of 15 months. One time, I saw it sitting between my dad and boyfriend (now husband). Lets just say, the sex scene was more awkward than usual at that performance.

14. Worked for a year in an all Satmar office. Rachel Shtern told me I should have told them on the first day that I understand Yiddish. To this day I'm convinced they were talking about me constantly.

15. My celebrity look-a-like is Tipper Gore. Need proof? Here she is doing Susanne Face.

16. I still have my blankie that I got when I was born and my favorite stuffed animal (Mr. Buns). My husband says he doesn't mind. Good, because I've known them 27 years longer than I've known him. They'd win in a fight hands down. Blankie and I have been through a lot...

17. I was on Family Feud. Our episode aired on Thanksgiving Day 2000, the most watched episode of the year. We were one of the more ridiculous families to ever be on the show. There was twirling involved in the dancing at the end of the segment. Oh, and my brother did "the snake" across the stage. Oh, and Louis Anderson hit on him.

18. I was a first team all-league softball player in high school. Other members of the team now play for Team USA.

19. I have been married 5 weeks to the day. I met Evan AKA The Rabbi AKA @RavTex on the online dating website Saw You At Sinai. I am now a matchmaker on its sister site YU Connects. I once did a stand-up routine about how ridiculous I found it that I kept getting set up with Rabbis. Now here I am, a Rebbitzen.

20. I've been on at least 10 cruises. When Evan told me on our first date that his family is also into cruises, I knew then that he was the one.

21. I've been to 14 countries: Bahamas, Belize, Canada, Cayman Islands, Honduras, Israel, Jamaica, Mexico, Netherlands, Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, United Kingdom, and of course the United States. The next time I leave the country it will God-willing be to take my parents to Israel for the first time. My dad says he can't wait to go to Israel with his son-in-law the Rabbi.

22. I used to go to events at the Balboa Bay Club (setting for the fake Newport Beach Yacht Club on the OC). One year I was part of their annual Easter Egg Hunt. One special egg was painted gold and had $100 bill inside. I saw some little blond babe pick it up and put it in her basket then followed her around until it "accidently" fell out. I got in trouble for that one.

23. I have more than 3000 unread emails in my Gmail inbox.

24. I have never smoked pot.

25. I would have been a terrific lawyer but a terrible law student. Thats why I'll never make the big bucks.

26. Have lived in 8 different apartments in 11 years. That counts dorms...but still, thats a lot of packing.

27. Counting the seconds until I never have to live in an apartment ever again. I need a lawn and I need a backyard. I don't like the idea of having to mow them. I'd just like to know that they are there.

28. I'm nervous about what my husband will write in his 25 things. Oy, I better get a chance to proofread that.

29. I love my parents immensely and know that I should tell them that more often.

30. I am a big fan of PBR. Both the beer (Pabst Blue Ribbon) and the sport (Professional Bull Riding). I can identify many of the riders by face. Thats something I'd be embarrassed about if it weren't for the fact that my husband is able to identify the BULLS by face AND also knows the name of the bull's father (their lineage is generally well documented).

31. I am extremely uncomfortable going places (parties, events, etc) where I don't know anyone. I turn into a very shy version of Susanne. For those of you that know me, its hard to picture a shy version of me. That's because I have since developed a version of myself that makes it seem as though I'm comfortable in any situation, when I'm really freaking out on the inside.

32. I've been to at least 6 concerts that I thought were mindblowing.

6) KIIS FM Wango Tango, 1999. Dodgers Stadium. Ricky Martin, Britney Spears, Will Smith, 98 Degrees, Blondie, UB40, Shaggy, and Enrique Iglesias. The line up was just okay, the peeps I was with made it awesome. Including when Garza spilled her beer on the kids sitting in front of her and then spent the next 3 hours buying them snacks because she felt so bad.

5) KROQ Weenie Roast, 1999. Irvine Amphitheater. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Metallica, Limp Bizkit, Blink-182, Sugar Ray, Live, Kid Rock, Smash Mouth, Orgy, Pennywise, Moby, Lo Fidelity Allstars, The Living End, Freestylers, Lit. What an amazing line up. Plus, I can say I saw Metallica LIVE. Plus, Blink-182 is probably in my Top 10 favorite bands. Yup, me. Country girl loves Blink.

4) Dixie Chicks opening for Tim McGraw. Glen Helen Pavillion. First time seeing my two all-time favorites in one show.

3) George Strait Country Music Festival, 1999. Angels Stadium. George Strait, TIM MCGRAW, DIXIE CHICKS, Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney, Jo Dee Messina.

2) Tim McGraw private show. South Street Seaport, NYC. For the release of Set The Circus Down. My first time meeting Tim in person.

1) Dixie Chicks private recording session. Time Warner Center, NYC. XM Satellite's Artist Confidential. As I told my boss when I explained that I needed to take the afternoon off. I was going to meet 3 of my idols. Read more about it here.

33. I love that something mundane like the "25 Random Things" note has finally gotten some of my funniest friends to write. Some of my least funny friends too, but hey, thats still awesome. Next step, start a damn blog. Its easy! Here's a link: (I'm Not enough time for long verse? Try a microblog like and find me @susqhb! And enjoy!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Overheard in Shul

I'll say it again...Twitter has ruined my bloglife. I write on my microblog and then don't have the patience to come back here and expand on it. That added to being busy at work means my blog suffers. My poor baby.

But something happened in shul yesterday that was hysterical. My makom kavua (usual seat) in shul is a seat that is always empty when I arrive no matter how late I am. It has a lot to do with the fact that this particular row is very tight. Not a lot of space. But it also has to do with the fact that its directly in front of a group of old timers in shul who enjoy commentating during services. The exact thing I'll be doing in shul in like 50 years. The topic they are most likely to be discussing is the "young people" in shul who are rude and only there to socialize. This week I came to shul early (during the haftorah) because we were helping sponsor the kiddush after services that was commemorating the 5th yarzeit of my friend Mikey Butler (Mikey was the MAN!). Trying to alter this group of ladies' perception of the youngsters I always make sure to smile and wish them a "Good Shabbos" when I get to shul. They love me. This week I gave them my usual "Good Shabbos" and the ladies all looked at each other and smiled. Then one of them clapped me on the back and said "Now SHE always wishes us a Good Shabbos!" And another said, "She'll make a GREAT Rebbitzen!" And I laughed and laughed, all the way through Aleinu. I will make an excellent Rebbitzen.