Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Spain post to follow

Just got back from Spain yesterday. So much to tell you about, so little time to type it up. Lots of great stories to share (I took notes so I wouldn't forget it all like I did after my cruise!) Stay tuned...

Sunday, May 20, 2007


I am off to backpack through Spain, the reigning anti-semitism capitol of Europe. We needed security clearance to go to shul for Shavuous. Personally, I think we should do background checks at my shul, Mt. Sinai in Washington Heights. Keep out all the freaks and geeks. They've been crowding the place. We are spending Shavuous in Madrid before heading to the cities in the South. Will fill you all in upon my return. Shalom!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Great Jewish Women Joke

Funny joke that I heard while watching a clip for the JAP Show, an Off-Broadway (sometimes off-color ;)) show featuring some of the best female Jewish stand-ups.

Four Jewish women are playing Mah Jong.

The first one says, "Ladies, you have known me for 12 years and I have to confess something. I'm a kleptomaniac, but you don't have to worry I would never take any of your stuff."

The second woman says, "Okay we're confessing? I'll tell you. I am a nymphamaniac, but don't worry I would never go near any of your husbands."

The third woman says, "Okay we're confessing? Well I'm a lesbian, but don't think for a minute that I'd make a pass at any of you."

And the last one says, "What you girls don't know about me is that I am a Yenta and if you'll excuse me I have a few phone calls to make."

Friday, May 11, 2007

Ordained Clergy Person

So on a whim a couple summers ago I decided to become an Ordained Clergy Person (OCP for short). A coworker of mine who was in Rabbinical school (YCT to be exact, I know, shocker there) told me that he was asked to officiate a close friend's weddding, but because he hadn't completed his Rabbinic studies he wasn't considered an ordained member of the clergy by the state of Connecticut. So it was suggested to him to visit the website for Spiritual Humanism and sign up to become a clergymember so he could perform the ceremony official in that state. I decided to follow his lead and join myself. On August 22nd, 2005 I completed my studies (okay, I read the Terms and Conditions page and put a checkmark in a box) and became an Ordained Clergy Person. The Church of Spiritual Humanism defines itself as a religion based on the ability of human beings to solve the problems of society using logic and science. I don't like the fact that it calls itself a "church" because of all the connotations with Christianity and the fact that I am a Jew, but what the hey, I'm OCP now. Next comes the clergy parking pass. Today I ordered the kit with the ID card and certificate and chose my work address for delivery. So next week the National Jewish Outreach Program will receive a package from the Church of Spiritual Humanism. When I told Tamarzeepoo this she said, "Oh Jesus, no pun intended." Tamar rules.

So messed up...

Al-Aqsa TV showed a clip on a children's show of a character very similiar to Mickey Mouse basically encouraging kids to join forces with the jihad and support Hamas. This might be the most messed up crap I've ever seen. Well, this and the movie Date Movie. That was pretty terrible too.

Perils Before Swine takes on...


Thank goodness I never write about butt scratching. Oh but, Tamarzeepoo just ate a bug. That was kinda funny.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Long takes

I was directed to this blog post off of the IMDb Hot List of interesting articles and websites devoted to entertainment. This blog describes in its opinion "The Greatest Long Tracking Shots in Cinema". Shots like these in a movie are like crack for me. I get totally giddy. Remember, the ones listed are only from movies so the ridiculous Tommy Schlamme shots that I loved in the West Wing, Sports Night, and Studio 60 are unfortunately not eligible here. But a couple of my favorites are on the list including the opening scene of Boogie Nights (we meet almost every character in the entire movie in this 3 minute single camera shot, incredible!) and the car chase scene from Children of Men (at almost 4:30 minutes it wasn't until about minute three that I realize I'm holding my breath through the suspense, ridiculous!). Watch some of the listed clips and let me know if there are other movies that you think should have been listed. Enjoy!

Monday, May 07, 2007

My alternate reality

We have a tradition at Shabbos meals in the Heights to go around the table and have everyone introduce themselves. Usually the host/ess will suggest a fun question for the guests to answer after announcing their name and where they are from which is nice because it fleshes out a little more about the guests' personalities. I even helped Arona create an in depth list of potential questions a couple summers ago. Questions on the list that I recall are, "If you had a tattoo, where would it be and why?" and "If you were asked to murder one of the other guests, who would you kill?" I didn't come up with the last question (I'm not maniacal) but as for the tattoo I would get a Spongebob tattoo on my right buttock, in case you are wondering.

At lunch this past Shabbos there was a wonderful suggestion. If you could experience an alternate reality, live an alternate life for yourself, what would it be? Where would you live? What would you do? What would your name be? Would you still be Jewish? Frum? Etc, etc. Seems kind of complex but everyone was able to come up with an answer. Considering half the table has degrees in psychology I wonder if they have ever asked this question of their bipolar/multiple personality patients, but whatev, I had fun with it. Not surprisingly, most everyone chose a life where they were happily in relationships, and of course most everyone had a trust fund. Anyway, I thought I would share with you my alternate reality.

Hi, my name is Susanne, but in this life S-U-S is the proper spelling for the name to make up for the fact that growing up I was never able to by a keychain from Disneyland that was not spelled S-U-Z-A-N-N-E. I hated that.

I am a US Congresswoman for the 48th District of California, the first Democratic representative in this area in many years. Go me!

I am still frum although in this reality, the laws of kashrus are suspended for three reasons: 1) I hate gefilte fish, 2) I cannot imagine my kids not experiencing Chicken McNuggets with Sweet & Sour sauce (yummmmmmm), 3) Chicken Parmesan is the greatest food in the universe.

I have a wonderful husband named Brad. Although he is a partner in his law firm he still manages to make it home every night for dinner and to tuck the kids in bed. Theres no need to stay late billing extra hours when we could live comfortably on his trust fund and occasional modeling gigs for Abercrombie and Fitch (I occasinally model for them as well, but my constituents think its a little bit too racy). We have 3 kids, two boys and a girl, which is a lot of work but my husband insists on getting up with them for late night feedings and glasses of water. On Sunday mornings my husband and I coach their Little League teams, and then we all go to Norm's for breakfast.

We live in Irvine, California. The Orthodox community in Irvine has been revitalized by young frum families and our nickname is now the "Teaneck of the West Coast" with plenty of shuls to choose from and young professinals like ourselves to be friends with. All of my friends followed my lead and moved here as well. They were attracted by the tax break bill I sponsored last year for accountants living in Orange County.

My husband and I also have a townhouse in Georgetown just 2 blocks from Kesher Israel for the days I am in DC for important legislation. At Kesher we rub elbows with Senator Joe Lieberman every Shabbos, as he laments to himself how silly it was to try to run for Vice President with John McCain as a running mate in 2008. I laugh everytime I think about it.

Well, thats about it. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll be sure to respond with an answer. Like where Brad and I met, kids ages, etc etc. I'd be happy to fill you in. Take care!

And now a word from our sponsor:
No, I am not mental. Just bored. Try writing your own. Its kind of fun.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Note to Key Food Purchasing Manager

For my meal Friday night I was assigned gefilte fish. I trekked out to Key Food on Thursday night to buy a couple loafs. I was AMAZED to find ELEVEN different frozen gefilte fish options. Thats, um, about 9 options too many. Then I went into our new and approved kosher aisle and found another 70 jars of gefilte fish. SEVENTY! No joke! Why on Earth would they stock so much fish? Jarred gefilte fish is probably one of the grossest things known to man. Gefilte fish as is is just gross fish that no one eats ground up and mushed together with spices and sugar. When you add the jelly that comes standard in the jar variety you have the most unappetizing culinary treat known to man. In middle America when you visit the local supermarket kosher section you will find certain staples. Manischewitz brand matzah, Manischewitz brand yartzeit candles, Manischewitz brand grape juice, and Manischewitz brand gefilte fish. Thats usually it. We get it. Jews like gefilte dish. Fine, have one kind of jarred gefilte fish on your shelf. My buddy Susie refuses to eat fish that isn't from the jar, so I can appreciate that some folks don't like the "gourmet" loaf version. But even she does not need so many choices of regular gefilte fish. Key Food had Gefilte Fishlets Liquid (eww), Gefilte Fish Jelled, Gefilte Fish Liquid, Sweet Gefilte Fish, Whitefish & Pike Jelled, Whitefish & Pike Liquid, Sweet Whitefish & Pike, Premium Gold Gefilte Fish Jelled, All Whitefish Liquid, All Whitefish Jelled, Reduced Sodium Gefilte Fish Jelled, Reduce Sodium Whitefish & Pike Jelled, and many many more different flavors and at least 5 different brands of each. Excessive? I think so.

Sucks for you

I'm getting ready to head down to the Israel Day Parade and listening to my favorite Sunday morning experience, Acoustic Sunrise (7am-noon on New York's JACK FM 101.1, AWESOME music), when the DJ introduced an Edwin McCain song by saying "and now time for Hootie and the Blowfish protege, Edwin McCain!". I was thinking, well that sucks for him. Didn't Hootie and the Blowfish break-up and no one listens to their music anymore. Edwin, if I were you I'd sue for libel.

More to come on these interesting topics!!!

Key Food's Gefilte Fish Selection!

Shabbos Table Introduction Topics! (this one's a doozy)

Israel Day Parade Follow-up!

and More!!!