Thank You NBC!

You guys are last place in the ratings, okay, higher than the CW but thats like a fake network, but I just wanted to thank you for providing my Dixie Chicks with all this FREE publicity. NBC declined to run ads for the Dixie Chicks brand new documentary Shut Up and Sing. In doing so it has gotten the doc more attention than any 30 second spot could ever have provided. All the bloggers out there have been up in arms about the movie. Of course none of them have actually seen it yet but are still basing their rants about the "incident" of three years ago when the lead singer said she is ashamed the President is from Texas. Since then they have practicallly been "blacklisted" from country radio and bad mouthed by everyone with an unclear interpretation of the first amendment. This week, according to the Washington Post 60% of people surveyed disapprove of the job our President is doing for our country. Love them or hate them, go see the documentary. Hear what they have to say. 60% of the country agrees with them so I don't think they are so outlandish. I don't think these 3 mothers (with 7 kids between them) deserve to get death threats for the things I say every day. I hear people all the time saying how much they hate Hillary Clinton. Shes a United States Senator. Certainly an honorable position. Why the double standard? When I hear people bad mouthing her, do I write them a letter saying shut up or I'll kill you? Hell no! They have as much of a right to say that as I have to criticize any of our elected leaders. If you choose to live in our glorious free country you're going to have to accept what freedom truly means. If nothing else, I admire the Chicks for that. Thank you!

P.S. My cellphone dried out and seems to be in working order. Whatever you do, do not drop yours into the toilet. It is not fun to deal with. Also, advice from my buddy JG, avoid dropping your yarmalke in the toilet. He says that sucks too.

Phone in Toilet

I just droped my phone in the toilet. Its not working right now. More on that to follow...

Former Headline #2

"Were you just gesturing to me when you said Kwanzaa?!"

This was a line from the awesome show Ugly Betty. America Ferrera plays Betty and I loved her in Real Women Have Curves. Rent it!

No more complaining about crowded dance floors...

I've been to weddings with several hundred people and crowded dance floors where women in high heels are stepping all over my already sore feet. I will complain no more. This past week there were two major weddings in the Satmar community each with what looks like 10s of thousands of people. No joke. Take a look.

Newt?

Who the hell put me on the Newt Gingrich email list? When I track you down I'm going to add you to my Hillary Clinton Fan Club mailing!

It ain't for real til its on Shmais

It ain't over til the fat lady sings, and for me, the Jewish gossip mill is just gossip until it appears on Shmais. Shmais is what I see as a Chabad gossip site. Not using the word gossip in a bad way, but in the sense that it "Keeps Lubavitchers Informed" as they say. I stay abreast of Chabad going ons and news from across the Judaic spectrum. How else would I find out if my Chabad friends have gotten engaged/had a baby/gone on shluchas?

I heard earlier this week (from blog competitor Lans) that Duncan Hines, after massive pressure, has decided to revert back to having their cake mixes be kosher pareve. Pareve food can be eaten with either a meat or a dairy meal. When word first circulated last year that DH was to add milk to their recipe to in their words "enhance the quality of the product", I said phooeeyy. Well not right away...only after I saw a post about it on Shmais. They would lose a huge market of kosher households (a multi-multi-million dollar market today) who depended on their product, not to mention those crazy lactose intolerant Americans. Frankly, I see those two groups as being synonomous, but thats just me. Literally, I'm a kosher household and an extreme Lactard. I personally must have submitted a hundred angry emails to the Pinnacle Foods (owner of Duncan Hines) customer service department. Thank goodness the company has seen the light and brought back their old recipe. Thank goodness we can go back to our quick and easy dessert options of years past. Thank goodness I bought out the entire last shipment of pareve cake mixes from the Fairway on 76th and Broadway, which by the way are still piled up in my pantry. Oh wait, strike the last one. Crap, thats annoying. Read on:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMING SOON: THE RETURN OF DUNCAN HINES PAREVE CAKE MIXES
SHMAIS.com has learned that the Duncan Hines company has reversed a decision made in 2005 that made their cakes mixes dairy and very soon OU Pareve Duncan Hines cake mixes will be back on store shelves nationwide.
Pareve production began in September and Duncan Hines has begun shipping product to stores. It should be in most locations by November and December, the company says. Consumers are urged to make sure the product does in fact have an OU Pareve on the box before purchasing as it might take longer for some stores to get in the new shipment.

Duncan Hines offers a wide variety of the pareve cake mixes, more than any other brand. Twelve of 18 Moist Deluxe flavors, representing more than 80 percent of sales, are being returned to pareve. These are: Moist Deluxe Classic Yellow, the best selling cake mix in the country, Devil's Food, Lemon Supreme, Butter Recipe Golden, Swiss Chocolate, Spice, Fudge Marble, Pineapple Supreme, Butter Recipe Fudge, German Chocolate, Red Velvet and Dark Chocolate Fudge.

Chabad Houses and Kosher consumers across the country that stocked up on the pareve mixes before they turned dairy can now rest assured that when their current stash runs out there will be replacments available.
(NEWS TIP: Zalman Goldstein)

How to Save a Life

So everyone has now heard the song by the Fray. I first heard it in the summer when I saw the music video on YouTube interjected with clips from the third season of Grey's Anatomy...and I immediately fell in love. The music was perfectly mixed in with the chosen clips. But then came time for me to look up the lyrics on Letssingit. The lyrics are ridiculous. Let's go through some of the brilliant rhymes they came up with. Hmmm...talk with talk. Oh and right with right. Oh, and then theres best with best. And then they really start using their creativity: same and came. Hoo boy! Such Masterful Lyricists! Its kinda like when we were in sixth grade English and the teacher would make us write a poem and all we knew how to do was rhyme words together not knowing that poem can be written without a rhyme. Now don't get me wrong, I still love the song and get excited when I hear it on the radio or I hear it on my iPOD. But, Seriously?!

How to Save a Life- The Fray
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Toddler gets stuck in vending machine...

Now this is a news story! On that note 13 people are killed each year by falling vending machines. That is because some lame ass wants a free Snickers bar or stuffed Spongebob and lies on the floor shoving his arm into the machine. Of course the machine shakes and falls on top of him. 13 people a year die in this fashion. Thats more people than die of shark attacks. I give this kid huge props for not killing himself.

Weed

So my buddy MGR is a dentist. She has funny stories all the time from her interesting patients. So she tells me this gem today:

im pulling this tooth out this morn and im going thru this guy's med history
and i ask "do you smoke". and he says "no"
"do you drink?" and he says "no"
"any rec drugs?" and he says "a little marijuana...but its really a plant"
and im like, so thats what they teach you, eh?
and he smiles, yup!
and hes like so proud of himself that he outsmarted me"

Moral of the story. Druggies are so much smarter than us. And cooler.

I just wanna apple!

I know now is not the time to be dissing our NYC street fruit vendors since they will soon disappear as they hibernate for the winter, but seriously, the dude on my corner has been so annoying. Everyday I stop by his stand and all I want is 2 bananas and an apple for my dollar. But lately he'll say "An apple? Why not try a peach. My peaches today are lovely!" But I'm like no, an apple is what I want. So needless to say, I've been trying to frequent another cart. Other cart guy that sells cut up fruit salad that I enjoy was not there today. So I went back to the dude at 36th and 6th this afternoon and he was trying to push his grapes on me. He didn't have any bananas so I asked for one red and one green apple. He said "what about my grapes? They are sweet and delicious." But just like your local drug dealer, you feel the need to feign a relationship with your vendor. You don't just scream, "I don't want your damn grapes, I want my apples!" So I said instead "Heh, heh (blush), those grapes sure do look good, but not today. Maybe tomorrow." Just so you know, I don't have a drug dealer. I learned that similiarity from Korean-American comedienne Margaret Cho. But then again the corner fruit vendor really is a drug dealer for us health minded New Yorkers. I saw this woman on Friday hug her vendor when he got in his ordered of figs that she had requested. Personally I wouldn't hug these dudes. They smell faintly of curry. My buddy Tamarzeepoo gave into his inappropriate advances today. She wasn't strong like me. When he offered her his juicy grapes, she blushed and accepted. He kept adding more and more bunches of grapes to the scale ignoring her petty cries. "No more!" she screamed "Please stop, thats enough!". I wish I were there. I would have kept my wits about me and dragged her to safety. But I could not. She left his stand 5 dollars lighter and a pound of grapes heavier. We must put a stop to this bullying. Who's with me?!

Former Headline #1

So occassionally I like to change the headline on my MySpace page. Some of them are funny so as I update my page I will include them here.

"I'm going to prison for tax evasion. Please don't forget to write. Thanks Mom. Love, Susanne"

39 Days and counting....

until my vacation. Details to follow.

Try this. You will fail.

How smart is your right foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "66" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so. And there is nothing you can do about it.
And yes, it is possible to do it with your LEFT foot, but not the
right!!

My brain freaks me out sometimes.

Seriously?! Get a fricken job.

Yesterday I had the day off of work. Since I haven't had a real weekend day to myself for the past month or so due to the Jewish holidays I needed to squeeze in some seriously movie theater time. There about 5 or 6 movies out currently that I'd been wanting to see so I thought Monday would be a good chance to knock 2 or 3 of them off of my list. After all, Monday afternoon...no ones going to be at the movie theater right? Think again. Apparently everyone who is currently out of work and I assume is using my tax dollars (yes, I am a tax payer now) from their welfare check to pay the $10.75 my local theater charges per ticket was at the movies on Monday afternoon for the 1:35 showing of Little Miss Sunshine, which was moderately full. Hell, I can't even afford the ticket, I had to use a coupon from my Entertainment Book. But the real shocker was when I ducked into my second movie of the day The Departed. It was 3:30 in the afternoon. Thats usually about the time of day Tamar and I are on a sugar and caffeine high and begin our daily exibition game of Catch the Cocoa Puff in your Mouth from Across the Room. Little did I know, that the rest of New York spends their 3:30s at the AMC on 42nd Street. I swear, the biggest screen in the theater which isn't always sold out on a Friday night, was packed. I couldn't even put my feet up on the seat in front of me cause someone was sitting in it. What the hell?! I snuck in my bag of microwave popcorn, the homeless dude in front of me (and for real, some dude came in with a homeless person shopping cart) was eating out of an $8 jumbo bucket. I was drinking my Diet Mountain Dew out of a bottle from my bag, the Yeshiva boy next to me who was skipping school was drinking out of a giant Icee cup. Who are these people? Why don't they have jobs? What I would do to sit and watch movies all day long. Mr. Moviefone is my hero. I can't wait for my vacation. Western Carribean....here I come.

Shidduch for non-Jew

Theres an understanding in Judaism that if you act as a shadchan (matchmaker) for 3 married couples, you get a first class ticket into Heaven, no strings attached. So an old friend just found me last week on MySpace. I almost deleted the email she sent but at the last second kind of found her picture a little bit familiar. Turns out shes a friend of mine since sixth grade, now happily married and living in North Carolina with another fellow I knew growing up. He was best friends with my first boyfriend so I remember a lot of times with us just hanging out. Anyhoo, she wrote back after my initial "waaassssssuppppp" email, that she had actually first met her husband at my Bat Mitzvah in 1992. She also claimed they had their first kiss at the reception. I'm glad someone got some action. I had the stomach flu so I skipped the 20 grand reception and spent the evening with my head in the toilet of my hotel suite. So...If I set up a non-Jew, does it get counted in the grand scheme of things? Am I now 2 away from entering heaven with my get out of jail free card? That would sure be cool. I'll have to kick my matchmakering attempts up a level. Hey ladies...I know some nice boys. Call me.

Wanna Sukkah with me?

Anyone working in midtown Manhattan, feel free to join me in the Bryant Park sukkah at lunchtime. Chabad of Midtown has been building an incredible sukkah in this famous park for the last several years. I feel like its my obligation to visit the sukkah while its there, shake the lulav, and donate money to tzedakah. I encourage you to visit as well. Plus, you get to eat lunch with me, your favorite blogger, Susanne!

****UPDATE UPDATE****
I've just got back from my first trip to the BP sukkah with EW and MB. I've gotta say, its quite the "scene". Probably 90% male since the mitzvah to eat in a sukkah does not apply as strongly to women. I didn't mind it one bit. Problem is that religious Jewish men do not always wear wedding bands. So of the 90%, three-quarters were probably married. Oh well, doesn't hurt to look. Who's coming tomorrow? ZK, I know you can make it!

Kids are Cute

I don't know. Maybe its the hormones talking. But today I've decided kids are cute. Above you see a little girl who I mentioned in a previous post, "I run for life...". They were walking in front of me at Race for the Cure last month and I just thought it was the cutest most touching thing.

Today on the way from my subway after work to my apartment I overheard a conversation between a little blond girl and her little blond mom. The little girl was riding her little pink bike (with training wheels! added cuteness!) and matching helmet. She said to her mom matter of factly, "You know when I feel cold?" Her mom asked "When?" So then the little girl gave a long analysis about how when its snowing and you're sitting in the snow and then you play with the snow and some snow sneaks into your gloves and gets all up in the arms of your jacket. Part of the cuteness stemmed from the fact that she was little and had a little bike with little training wheels, but mostly from the fact that its still 76 degrees outside....and this kid's talking about snow.

Then I turned the next corner and saw a father and young son crossing the street. I heard them in the midst of a very important sounding conversation so I slowed to let them walk ahead of me so I could listen and giggle to my heart's delight. The little boy asked his dad, "Do sharp leaves ever fall off the trees?" and the dad said, "Sure, those are called pine needles and they fall just like other leaves." And the boy said, "Why do leaves fall?" So the dad started a whole expanation about trees getting older and sleeping and some other stuff. The boy asked, "Why do they sleep?" Everything the dad said the boy interjected with a why? I think the dad was pulling answers from his butt but he did a sufficient job. The last thing I heard said was comparing tree bark to the kid's skin. Yeah, that'll keep him up all night. Good one dad.

Anyway, my conclusion from this evening's adventures is this: I must carry around a voice recorder like all those famous reporters. Some of the things I hear, if I don't get them on tape, no one will believe me. So cute!

Susanne + TV= Not Happening

Just got a postcard from those losers at Who Wants to be a Millionare saying I haven't been chosen as part of their contestant pool. I don't know what they are thinking. I aced the written exam and kicked butt in my interview. Also my application was ridiculously funny. They probably thought my humor and charm would overshadow Merideth Viera's boringness. I'm just going to go with my usual response to this discovery. ABC is antisemitic.