Wednesday, July 26, 2006

My mom and the plastic surgeon

Wow, it sounds like the title of a romance novel. But it isn't. My mom went in yesterday to have plastic surgery done. Now my mom is not a vain person whatsoever. Personally I think she's gorgeous and always has been. Two summers ago she had gastric bypass surgery and lost around 100 pounds. She looks great and the best part is she feels healthy, b"H. When you lose such a substantial amount of weight you are left with A LOT of extra skin. This is where the plastic surgery comes in. Most plastic surgeons nowadays are making loads of money performing POST-BARIATRIC SURGERY. Basically they help remove the excess skin and help lift the parts that need lifting.

So the doc my mom went to was Dr. Jay Calvert, Plastic Surgeon of the stars. In case you are the one person who tunes into Tyra Banks talk show (they probably average one viewer) you may have seen him as the Beverly Hills (with offices in Newport Beach, home of the newly deceased Marissa Cooper of The O.C.) doctor who performs all the shows' makeovers. Yup, thats him.

So my mom had her surgery yesterday morning. Thank God everything went well and she's recovering comfortably. But considering the kind of clientele this doctor has on his patient roster everything was on the DL. Instead of doing his surgeries in-patient, to avoid his celeb clients having to be admitted to a hospital and having paparazzi waiting for them, he checks them into a deluxe Los Angeles area hotel (not sure I'm allowed to even mention which one) the night before their schedule surgery and has all post-surgery check ups take place in their private suites (God Forbid they trek out in public with stitch marks). When they arrived at the hotel they claimed not to have a reservation for my Mom. My Mom was like, but my doctor's office was supposed to arrange everything with you. The hotel receptionist voice lowered and she whispered that they never use the customer's real name when they are one of Dr. Calvert's patients. Yup, I also rolled my eyes after hearing that one.

After the surgery the patient is escorted from his office operating room to their hotel suite in a limo with blacked out windows and they arrive at a private entrance. The room is now decorated with candles and light music to relax the patient and make the suite as comfortable as possible. I warned my dad that no matter how romantic the room was he wasn't getting any. Yeah, I said that. My mom has a nurse on call waiting on her hand and foot. She fluffs pillows, brings food, and most importantly drugs. I told my mom she should ask for a manicure while shes at it. Get her monies worth.

All this secrecy pisses me off. It gives pseudo-celebs like Ashlee Simpson the ability to have a weekend rhinoplasty and try to deny it to the press on Monday. Yeah, she almost pulled that one off as successfully as she denied lip synching on SNL. Can you tell the difference?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Yeah, I can. The same way that Star Jones denies having weight loss surgery even after dropping 100+ pounds like my Mom did. This surgery changed my Mom's life, and Star's too. The denial by Star cost her her job. The acceptance by my Mom gave her a new lease on life. I love you Mom! You're gorgeous and always have been!


Name withheld to preserve family dignity said...

I'm glad your Mom is doing well, thank God.

The following tangent is taken from the greatest dinner conversation of all time:

My father always made fun of my mom for being flat-chested. (My mom is very petite.) The mocking went on for years and years and years, much to my mother's torment.

One night at dinner, about fifteen years into the incessant jabbing, my mom plays the greatest ace card of all time:

(pause inserted for dramatic effect)

“At least I didn’t have a breast reduction.”

Turns out, my (overweight) dad took a little nap under the ol’ knife in the early '80s. Needless to say, he never commented on my mom’s figure again.

SusQHB said...

That was a superb story. Thank you for that. We need more of those. Bring'em on!

BlogFan said...

how aboot some new material? eh

ALabgr said...