Sunday, December 18, 2005

Why don't Jewish boys agree?

So the Cowboy leaned over and gave me the nicest compliment I've ever received in my life: "Damn you must be married or a lesbian!" At first I thought I would just tell him to F-off but then he said: "You darling, are the ideal wife". Let me set the stage for you. Last night Destiny and I hit the town and were sitting at the bar of our favorite (and only truthfully) country bar in NYC. I love it there. They've got a country only jukebox which I fill up as soon as I arrive with my usual Gretchen, Creedence, and Toby selections. Then I pulled up a stool to the bar where I had ordered a pitcher of Coors Light, for myself. The only reason I do this is that pitchers at this bar are so damn cheap its just more economical than buying a couple pints. Coor Light for example is only 7 bucks. Thats the cheapest high I could possibly find, except of course for that time I took an expired Vicodin for my toothache. That stuff really messed me up. Oh man. Good times. So Dest and I are sitting next to this fella who would have fit in much much better at a bar in Dallas. Hes wearing a really nice cowboy hat, boots, and hes got his rancher gloves sitting up on the bar. I swear, he looked like an anorexic version of Kenny Chesney. Keep in mind this bar is on 76th and Broadway. Obviously if this bar wasn't blasting George Strait, he probably would have gotten his ass kicked in that outfit. But here, he was the coolest guy in the place. So we sat next to him, cause you know how it is, cool by association. So I sat there, drinking from my pitcher of beer, watching the Broncos/Bills football game, and singing every country lyric that came out of that jukebox. Then came the comment:
Cowboy: "Damn you must be married or a lesbian!".
Me: "Um, what?
Cowboy: "You darling, are the ideal wife".
Me: "Um, what?
Cowboy: "Well I see you sitting there drinking your beer by the pitcher, watching a sport on TV that I don't even understand, and singing along to the jukebox. You have got to be any guys ideal wife."
Me: (Blushing) Um, thanks.
Then the cowboy bought Dest and I a shot (really yummy actually Malibu and Midori, way good). He didn't want it cause I guess it was too girly of a shot, especially since he was drinking manly Pabst Blue Ribbon by the can, but we made him anyway. He was a really sweet guy so we chatted a little more (he has an apt on CPW and 69th that he only stays in 3 months a year, ie he is loaded) and the only sport he watches is on the Golf Channel (ok, his cool factor dropped a few dozen points in my book, why oh why couldn't he have said OLN Channel which shows Rodeo and Bull Riding?) So let me end by posing the question in the title: Why don't Jewish boys agree? I am a damn good catch. I'll never yell at him for watching football (hell, I'll be sitting next to him on the couch) and I certainly won't fill up the fridge with stupid bottles of girly Chardonays or Merlots, I'll be drinking Bud Light just like him. I am, as the Cowboy suggested, the Ideal Wife. So where the hell is my Ideal Husband?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you are over 65 years of age, you may be more likely to experience side effects from discount pharmacy vicodin. Your doctor may prescribe a lower dose of the medication.

Seth said...

Hahaha! Oh, boy. Look at that post - if you're over 65 you can get discount vicodin. Gotta love spam, right? Anyway, I just wanted to ask you - who's Destiny?

Mark Dredze said...

Look at it this way. If a guy ever shows up for shul dressed like this guy, you know you found your man! Now if we could just teach Jewish guys how to dress.

Mark