Spain!

I am off to backpack through Spain, the reigning anti-semitism capitol of Europe. We needed security clearance to go to shul for Shavuous. Personally, I think we should do background checks at my shul, Mt. Sinai in Washington Heights. Keep out all the freaks and geeks. They've been crowding the place. We are spending Shavuous in Madrid before heading to the cities in the South. Will fill you all in upon my return. Shalom!

Great Jewish Women Joke

Funny joke that I heard while watching a clip for the JAP Show, an Off-Broadway (sometimes off-color ;)) show featuring some of the best female Jewish stand-ups.

Four Jewish women are playing Mah Jong.

The first one says, "Ladies, you have known me for 12 years and I have to confess something. I'm a kleptomaniac, but you don't have to worry I would never take any of your stuff."

The second woman says, "Okay we're confessing? I'll tell you. I am a nymphamaniac, but don't worry I would never go near any of your husbands."

The third woman says, "Okay we're confessing? Well I'm a lesbian, but don't think for a minute that I'd make a pass at any of you."

And the last one says, "What you girls don't know about me is that I am a Yenta and if you'll excuse me I have a few phone calls to make."

Ordained Clergy Person

So on a whim a couple summers ago I decided to become an Ordained Clergy Person (OCP for short). A coworker of mine who was in Rabbinical school (YCT to be exact, I know, shocker there) told me that he was asked to officiate a close friend's weddding, but because he hadn't completed his Rabbinic studies he wasn't considered an ordained member of the clergy by the state of Connecticut. So it was suggested to him to visit the website for Spiritual Humanism and sign up to become a clergymember so he could perform the ceremony official in that state. I decided to follow his lead and join myself. On August 22nd, 2005 I completed my studies (okay, I read the Terms and Conditions page and put a checkmark in a box) and became an Ordained Clergy Person. The Church of Spiritual Humanism defines itself as a religion based on the ability of human beings to solve the problems of society using logic and science. I don't like the fact that it calls itself a "church" because of all the connotations with Christianity and the fact that I am a Jew, but what the hey, I'm OCP now. Next comes the clergy parking pass. Today I ordered the kit with the ID card and certificate and chose my work address for delivery. So next week the National Jewish Outreach Program will receive a package from the Church of Spiritual Humanism. When I told Tamarzeepoo this she said, "Oh Jesus, no pun intended." Tamar rules.

So messed up...

Al-Aqsa TV showed a clip on a children's show of a character very similiar to Mickey Mouse basically encouraging kids to join forces with the jihad and support Hamas. This might be the most messed up crap I've ever seen. Well, this and the movie Date Movie. That was pretty terrible too.

Perils Before Swine takes on...

blogging.



Thank goodness I never write about butt scratching. Oh but, Tamarzeepoo just ate a bug. That was kinda funny.

Long takes

I was directed to this blog post off of the IMDb Hot List of interesting articles and websites devoted to entertainment. This blog describes in its opinion "The Greatest Long Tracking Shots in Cinema". Shots like these in a movie are like crack for me. I get totally giddy. Remember, the ones listed are only from movies so the ridiculous Tommy Schlamme shots that I loved in the West Wing, Sports Night, and Studio 60 are unfortunately not eligible here. But a couple of my favorites are on the list including the opening scene of Boogie Nights (we meet almost every character in the entire movie in this 3 minute single camera shot, incredible!) and the car chase scene from Children of Men (at almost 4:30 minutes it wasn't until about minute three that I realize I'm holding my breath through the suspense, ridiculous!). Watch some of the listed clips and let me know if there are other movies that you think should have been listed. Enjoy!

My alternate reality

We have a tradition at Shabbos meals in the Heights to go around the table and have everyone introduce themselves. Usually the host/ess will suggest a fun question for the guests to answer after announcing their name and where they are from which is nice because it fleshes out a little more about the guests' personalities. I even helped Arona create an in depth list of potential questions a couple summers ago. Questions on the list that I recall are, "If you had a tattoo, where would it be and why?" and "If you were asked to murder one of the other guests, who would you kill?" I didn't come up with the last question (I'm not maniacal) but as for the tattoo I would get a Spongebob tattoo on my right buttock, in case you are wondering.

At lunch this past Shabbos there was a wonderful suggestion. If you could experience an alternate reality, live an alternate life for yourself, what would it be? Where would you live? What would you do? What would your name be? Would you still be Jewish? Frum? Etc, etc. Seems kind of complex but everyone was able to come up with an answer. Considering half the table has degrees in psychology I wonder if they have ever asked this question of their bipolar/multiple personality patients, but whatev, I had fun with it. Not surprisingly, most everyone chose a life where they were happily in relationships, and of course most everyone had a trust fund. Anyway, I thought I would share with you my alternate reality.

Hi, my name is Susanne, but in this life S-U-S is the proper spelling for the name to make up for the fact that growing up I was never able to by a keychain from Disneyland that was not spelled S-U-Z-A-N-N-E. I hated that.

I am a US Congresswoman for the 48th District of California, the first Democratic representative in this area in many years. Go me!

I am still frum although in this reality, the laws of kashrus are suspended for three reasons: 1) I hate gefilte fish, 2) I cannot imagine my kids not experiencing Chicken McNuggets with Sweet & Sour sauce (yummmmmmm), 3) Chicken Parmesan is the greatest food in the universe.

I have a wonderful husband named Brad. Although he is a partner in his law firm he still manages to make it home every night for dinner and to tuck the kids in bed. Theres no need to stay late billing extra hours when we could live comfortably on his trust fund and occasional modeling gigs for Abercrombie and Fitch (I occasinally model for them as well, but my constituents think its a little bit too racy). We have 3 kids, two boys and a girl, which is a lot of work but my husband insists on getting up with them for late night feedings and glasses of water. On Sunday mornings my husband and I coach their Little League teams, and then we all go to Norm's for breakfast.

We live in Irvine, California. The Orthodox community in Irvine has been revitalized by young frum families and our nickname is now the "Teaneck of the West Coast" with plenty of shuls to choose from and young professinals like ourselves to be friends with. All of my friends followed my lead and moved here as well. They were attracted by the tax break bill I sponsored last year for accountants living in Orange County.

My husband and I also have a townhouse in Georgetown just 2 blocks from Kesher Israel for the days I am in DC for important legislation. At Kesher we rub elbows with Senator Joe Lieberman every Shabbos, as he laments to himself how silly it was to try to run for Vice President with John McCain as a running mate in 2008. I laugh everytime I think about it.

Well, thats about it. If you have any questions please let me know and I'll be sure to respond with an answer. Like where Brad and I met, kids ages, etc etc. I'd be happy to fill you in. Take care!

And now a word from our sponsor:
No, I am not mental. Just bored. Try writing your own. Its kind of fun.

Note to Key Food Purchasing Manager

For my meal Friday night I was assigned gefilte fish. I trekked out to Key Food on Thursday night to buy a couple loafs. I was AMAZED to find ELEVEN different frozen gefilte fish options. Thats, um, about 9 options too many. Then I went into our new and approved kosher aisle and found another 70 jars of gefilte fish. SEVENTY! No joke! Why on Earth would they stock so much fish? Jarred gefilte fish is probably one of the grossest things known to man. Gefilte fish as is is just gross fish that no one eats ground up and mushed together with spices and sugar. When you add the jelly that comes standard in the jar variety you have the most unappetizing culinary treat known to man. In middle America when you visit the local supermarket kosher section you will find certain staples. Manischewitz brand matzah, Manischewitz brand yartzeit candles, Manischewitz brand grape juice, and Manischewitz brand gefilte fish. Thats usually it. We get it. Jews like gefilte dish. Fine, have one kind of jarred gefilte fish on your shelf. My buddy Susie refuses to eat fish that isn't from the jar, so I can appreciate that some folks don't like the "gourmet" loaf version. But even she does not need so many choices of regular gefilte fish. Key Food had Gefilte Fishlets Liquid (eww), Gefilte Fish Jelled, Gefilte Fish Liquid, Sweet Gefilte Fish, Whitefish & Pike Jelled, Whitefish & Pike Liquid, Sweet Whitefish & Pike, Premium Gold Gefilte Fish Jelled, All Whitefish Liquid, All Whitefish Jelled, Reduced Sodium Gefilte Fish Jelled, Reduce Sodium Whitefish & Pike Jelled, and many many more different flavors and at least 5 different brands of each. Excessive? I think so.

Sucks for you

I'm getting ready to head down to the Israel Day Parade and listening to my favorite Sunday morning experience, Acoustic Sunrise (7am-noon on New York's JACK FM 101.1, AWESOME music), when the DJ introduced an Edwin McCain song by saying "and now time for Hootie and the Blowfish protege, Edwin McCain!". I was thinking, well that sucks for him. Didn't Hootie and the Blowfish break-up and no one listens to their music anymore. Edwin, if I were you I'd sue for libel.

More to come on these interesting topics!!!

Key Food's Gefilte Fish Selection!

Shabbos Table Introduction Topics! (this one's a doozy)

Israel Day Parade Follow-up!

and More!!!

Tips for Meeting a Nice Jewish Boy (or Girl)

Thanks to DJ's non-Jewish boss for sending this article to her. He's apparently trying to get into Olam Habah by sending her stuff like this and running searches on Frumster on DJ's behalf. My favorite was when she told me he asked her, "DJ? Do you consider yourself Modern Orthodox Liberal, or Modern Orthodox Mock-mirr?" Love her stories! Enjoy the article and good luck finding your Bashert.

My 2008 Candidates

I thought it would be fun to share with you where I'm holding in the '08 Presidential Race. I would vote somewhere in the below order starting with my number one choice through whatever. Some of them aren't yet "official" candidates (ahem! Al Gore), but still thought they should be included.

1) Al Gore (D). Come on already man. Run for something. You were awesome at the Oscar's and I swear I had goosebumps when I had thought you were announcing your candidacy onstage with Leonardo DiCaprio. Until the orchestra started playing, effectively drowning you out as part of a not so funny gag, in my mind at least. Plus, his wife Tipper Gore is my celebrity look-a-like. Seriously, its uncanny. I could get jobs as a first lady impersonator. And my final reason, I already voted for you. I'm not saying the US wouldn't be having the hard times we are if you had won, but at least we would receive a educated response to our questions, instead of an awshucks BS one that we currently are stuck with. You are the man Al!

2) Hillary Clinton (D). As I've stated before, I really like Hillary. I've met her on several locations and feel a great sincerity and intelligence every time she speaks. I find her, as well as her daughter Chelsea, to be great role models for women everywhere. Plus, how great would it be to put Bill back in the White House. I so want to be invited to one of his keggers.

3) Bill Richardson (D). His credentials speak for themselves. He is a wonderful diplomat, most recently sent by President Bush to North Korea to negotiate the release of the remains of deceased US servicemen, oh and while he was there discussed the dismantling of their nuclear program. I think he can work better than any of the other candidates with a bipartisan congress. He is extremely well liked by his constituents in both parties, winning his Gubernatorial reelection last year by one of the largest margins. He is also the only candidate currently with executive experience, currently serving as the Governor of New Mexico, a swing state, by the way. I would feel more confident about voting for him if I knew he had better odds. A stupid reason, but honest. Maybe he'll move up my list soon...

4) John Edwards (D). Not a great deal of experience (was that only one term as Senator?) but I think he connects well to the concerns of the nation. At least that was until the gossip last week that he spent $800 for two haircuts at some floofy Beverly Hills salon. Seriosuly bro, I get mine cut every three months at Supercuts for twenty bucks and my hair still looks better than yours. Stop doing crap like that and get back to the basics. You can't campaign on your good ole boy childhood and let stories like that slip out. Pull it together and get back on track. My prayers are with John's wife Elizabeth as she treats her cancer. She is a tough woman.

5) John McCain (R). Could I vote for a Republican? Possibly. Probably not over any of the above candidates, but certainly over any of those listed below him. I hate his position on the war. But a redeeming factor came while I was watching the Dixie Chicks documentary (stop laughing, I'm being serious) Shut Up and Sing. There is a scene when the Dixie Chicks' manager, Simon Renshaw is testifying before a Senate Commerce committee about FCC regulation and how different radio conglomerates banned the Dixie Chicks' music from any of their station holdings after the Dixie Chicks spoke negatively of President Bush. This therefore, meant that other politcal thoughts might be banned on public radio stations. While every other Republican was siding with "big business", John McCain spoke in the Dixie Chicks favor. He said "I was as offended as anyone by the statement of the Dixie Chicks, but to restrain their trade because they exercised their right of free speech is remarkable." Could he be a Republican president who if elected actually did and said what is right, as opposed to what the RNC tells him? I wonder.

6) Mitt Romney (R). Hes a mormon. They are about as close as we can come to electing an Ortho. Hell, Mormoms practially wear tzizus (they do wear special holy undergarments) and give ridiculous amounts of money to their church (tithing like frum Jews, 10% of their income). Hes one frum dude. Okay, just kidding. I probably wouldn't vote for him.

7) Barack Obama (D). Who? Where did this guy come from? I'd never heard of him until last year. He is a first term, junior Senator from Illinois. Sure hes a wonderful orator, hes good looking, and very well educated. But what kind of experience does he have that he should be the leader of the free world? I'm 100% in favor of a President who is not a white, middle aged, male. Thats why I have Hillary (female) and Bill Richardson (Hispanic) near the top of my list. Obama, leave this race right now and run again in 8 years. You will have my vote. I promise. But first you need to put on public record where you stand on the issues. And convince me that you are passionate about Israel a little bit more.

8) Rudy Giuliani (R). You are probably surprised that he is so far down my list. I feel that he is even less capable to do this job than Barack Obama. As I said before, we are ready to vote for a minority or a women, but I'm not so sure honestly that Southern Conservatives are ready for a twice divorced guy (who dated his current wife while still married to the previous one). We forgive a lot of things. Our President is a recovering alcoholic. John Kerry and Joe Lieberman have been divorced (as well as tons of others, these just popped into my mind) and are elected to the Senate. Ted Kennedy killed someone!!! But philandering soooo openly is a no no. Hell, we impeached Bill Clinton (one of the greatest modern presidents) when he was caught with his pants down with a women who wasn't his wife. Yes, Rudy did a wonderful job handling the aftermath of 9/11. I was inspired by him a great deal. But running the 5 boroughs doesn't compare to the United States.

And in no particular order:

Additional Democratic Presidential Candidates
Joe Biden
Chris Dodd
Dennis Kucinich

Additional Republican Presidential Candidates
Sam Brownback
Mike Huckabee
Tommy Thompson
Jim Gilmore
Duncan Hunter

How I spent my Yom Haatzmaut

A laffa from Golan Heights. I went with the Reifer because the restaurant was participating in America Eats For Israel, a campaign where kosher places around the country donated 10% of yesterday's proceeds to Israeli charity.

Bearcats Game 1

Yesterday my softball league began. I play for the JAB Bearcats. That stands for the Jewish Alumni of Binghamton Bearcats (the Bing Mascot). It was originally started a few years back by a group of Binghamton Alumni. Currently we have like 1 alum left on the team. Its made up this year by a lot of new faces, including a new coach Josh G who has replaced Avi D who made aliyah. There one NJ on the team who I kind of feel sorry for because some of my funniest jokes are Jewishly oriented. For instance, one of the league rules is that the base coaches cannot touch base runners, including high fives, pats on the back/butt, etc, and the umpire made it very clear that he would call the runner out if he saw anything like that. I told everyone the umpire had a strict shomer negiah policy. And we all laughed. But not the NJ. I don't think he got it.

I hit 2 for 3 which isn't bad but I wasn't very impressed by my hits. I've got to work on my swing and find a more comfortable bat. Heres what I hate. Men. They are annoying. All in all I played a pretty good game. No ridiculous errors. I got some hits. Made some put outs at first base. Ran agressively around the bases. Slid into home to score a run. But whats the thing the men acknowledged? When my hotty teammate caught a routine pop up in the outfield. So annoying.

We beat RIA Pubs by 6 runs. So either 12-6 or 10-4 or something like that. They were previously undefeated. So go us. Our team came together pretty well. I hope we can keep up the good fortune. Go Bearcats!

Fine

Okay, you're not the only one complaining that I'm not updating the blog enough for your tastes. Pesach was fine. I ate lots of matzah. We ran out of good matzah on day 6 so I had to revert to shmura matzah, which is HORRIBLE. Turns out my dad was eating like a pound a day of my Yehuda with his morning peanut butter fix which isn't even kosher for passover! Not for us ashkenazis at least. I went to Universal with Rachel over Chol Hamoed and got a little crazy.

I got to hang out with my favorite doggy in the whole wide world, Giovanni. I even tried to smuggle him back to New York in my suitcase. But he didn't let me.

Mom? Dad? Would it kill you to stick him in a box and send him to New York for a couple weeks? I love that guy. Hes such a bad ass.

Now I'm back super busy with Shabbat Across America which is in less than two weeks!!! My shul is running the program and NO ONE has RSVPed yet. So if you know anyone in Washington Heights who wants to experience Shabbos please encourage them to attend. Knock on their doors. I already harassed all my neighbors who have mezuzahs on their doors. And most of them turned out to be apartments belonging to Dominicans whose previous tenants left up their mezuzahs on their way to a better neighborhood. Anyway, I need to go watch Heroes and go to bed. Peace.

I miss it so much!!!

The deadline for eating chametz was 10:49 am. It is now 11:54 and I'm going through withdrawals.

Send. Help. Soon. Doughnut. Would. Be. Sufficient. Matzah. Sucks.

Oh the places you go!!!

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Sunburn

Been in California for a day, and already I've got a terrible sunburn. Today was Shabbos which means there really wasn't much to do but take a walk at the beach. I know what you're thinking, "Boo fricken hoo Susanne! You were sooo bored that you HAD to walk along the beach??!" Well, my skin burns within minutes and you can't apply sunscreen on Shabbos. Okay, I normally would anyway but I thought, hell, a little sun won't kill me. I can use a base color for the rest of the tanning time I have left in Cali. So as I sit here in tremendous pain, blisters on my neck and the back of my knees, I ask myself, was it worth it? Not really. Will I do it again? Probably. Sunshine is a terrible thing to waste.

In case you were wondering...

Wherever you are in the world, you probably just heard me laughing hysterically for the last ten minutes. I was making my calls (mostly leaving messages) as usual to synagogues across the country, "Hi, this is Susanne...yada yada... Shabbat Across America... yada yada... if you'd like to take part... yada yada...call me at...yada yada." I hung up the phone and was REALLY excited to eat my next Mamba fruit chew (it was strawberry! yum!). They're awesome, sort of like a more kosher equivalent to Starburst candy, but without the gelatin. So I hung up and screamed MAMBA excitedly!! Only to realize that the phone hadn't clicked all the way into place and since my headset was still on, the exclamation totally made it onto the answering machine message. So without cursing I quickly hung up completely and burst into hysterics. I told Tamarzeepoo what happened and she joined in with her own belly laugh. This went on for a while, really, really loudly! I started convulsing on the floor of my office, almost choking on the Mamba I was chewing (this was strawberry remember, I couldn't wait until the laughing stopped to eat it). Good news is, the shul was in Lake Havasu City, and I don't think it ever even checks its answering machine. So my integrity remains intact. This will be our little secret.

Why can't we all find guys like this?

Seth Galena, half of the dynamic twin duo thats responsible for Bangitout, proposed this morning to his girlfriend Hindy. What he did differently was that he did it on live TV. Major props dude and nice tux. Mazel Tov!

Watch it here!

Shoes. Let's get some shoes.

Funniest....thing....ever! You will be frightened at first. But that will pass. And you'll watch it again. And again. And again. Watch Muffins next. Go to You Tube and search Muffins. You won't regret. Watch out for chametz though.

Great political song

I just came across this song by Pink (of all people right?) as I was watching the season finale of the L Word on Sunday. Yes, I am a straight female and I watch the L Word. I think its a great dramedy. The female sex scenes make a me a little but uncomfortable, but then again, I'm the only 27 year old that still blushes when she see a hetero make out seen on network television when in the presence of her Dad. But thats probably just because my dad is fumbling to quickly change the channel. Anyhoo, the song was Pink's "Dear Mr. President". She discussed the questions soooo many Americans are dealing with today and would love to have a conversation with President Bush about. She takes on homelessness, military families, education, minimum wage, gay rights, and more. "For What its Worth" by Buffalo Springfield, one of the best war songs ever, was just dealing with Vietnam and its fallout. The social commentary in Pink's song is superb. The disdain so many of us have nowadays is showcased here. I've included the lyrics below and encourage you to all listen to the song or download it on iTunes.

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy (were you a lonely boy)
Are you a lonely boy (are you a lonely boy)
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind (we're not blind)
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

Le Marais Kashrut in Question

Repost from the Maalot Yahoo group:

Le Marais Kashrut in Question
Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:43 pm (PST)
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like a mashgiach from le
marais resigned over some kashrut related weirdness, and is demanding that
the OU take action...

www.amashgiachspeaksout.com

Is this the (temporary) end of "warm chocolate cake"?

note: I have not called the OU for their side of the story. I would
encourage others to do so.
-----------------

Personally, I love Le Marais. Its one of my favorite restaurants in the city. Their food is good and their steak, fries, salad for $17.95 is one of the best deals in town. When you come from a non-kosher background where you could go to Sizzler and get the steak, shrimp, and all-you-can-eat salad bar for $9.99, the Le Marais meal doesn't sound that great, but still, its tasty. I'm saddened by the news but it will hopefully be resolved soon.

Meredith's Stepmom is a Jew?

I've enjoyed watching Meredith Grey's awkward relationship with her estranged father and stepmother. One of the reasons being I've always admired the actress that plays her stepmom, Mare Winningham. She might not be everyone's favorite former brat packer but she just might be the most talented.
You could argue, well Emilio Estevez now directs, and Demi Moore marries hot guys half her age. Mare is not only a fine actress and singer but I just learned, she bakes challah! Thats right, Mare was raised Roman Catholic but converted to Judaism a few years ago according to a wonderful article I just read on the Hillel website. Mrs. Grey, more power to you!

A Crying Shame...

Okay, so other than my roommate ST and my officemate Tamarzeepoo, very few people know about my newly discovered passion for American Idol. This is the first year that I've consistently watched the show. Its also the first year that I've owned DVR so I'm sure theres a correllation since I can now fast forwarding through the Idols I hate and pause for moments like this:


Thats right. We first saw this weeper appear around the time that Sanjaya was performing. My guess was that his voice was causing a painful aneurysm. Or she saw the chick wearing a "Fanjaya" shirt. That sight was enough to make me barf. Viewers were baffled. I thought she might have been the reincarnation of the scary blond kid from Poltergeist. But she wasn't. Defamer got the whole story.

Subway Boycott!

Yup, I created the above image myself. I am quite Microsoft Paint savvy.

I invite you all to join me on my boycott of Subway Sandwiches. But not for the reasons you might think. Not because Quizno's is 1000 times better, and Schlotzsky's is even better than that. No, it is because Subway sandwiches did not give me the free bicycle that I totally deserved!

I'll explain: I got an IM today from my buddy Eli saying that two of her co-workers had just won bikes on the corner of 42nd Street and Sixth Ave. Subway, as part of their healthy lifestyle advertising campaign had a street team on the corner there looking for random acts of "exercise". So I jogged, no sprinted, from 36th street up to their location. I ran up to this group in bright yellow rain slickers (yup, I sprinted through the rain) and asked them what was going on. I was visibly out of breath and my pulse was going pretty good. I was informed that I didn't qualify because I approached them first as opposed to them approaching me. They were supposed to "spot" me first doing my "exercise". Meanwhile as I stood there obviously pissed they "spotted" a petite woman walk out of the HBO building and "speedwalk" into Starbucks for her caffeine fix. They gave her the fricken bike. This little woman wearing, get this, an HBO Sports shirt won the free bicycle. She looks like she participates in triathalons. I look like my favorite form of exercise is channel surfing. What the hell?! So I call on all of my readers to boycott their establishments. To hell with their fajita sub! To hell with ducks eating free at Subway (Mitch Hedberg shout out there)! To hell with Jared Fricken Fogle the dude that lost all his weight by eating a sub every day for lunch and dinner! To hell with all of it! So join my boycott! Since 90% of my readers keep strictly kosher that should be extremely easy for you (minus the Jews in Cleveland and Brooklyn with their kosher franchises). But everyone else, promise me you'll never eat at Subway again. And feel free to buy me a new bike with your tax refund this year. My favorite color is red. Thank you.

Don't be this guy

Don't be Charlie. Charlie logged 500 hours on Facebook in a six month period. That works out to about 4 hours per day. Sick! He claims, "Losing my job bothers me far less than losing Facebook ever could." Come on man? Facebook? The only time I had that discussion with myself was when I needed to leave work for a Dixie Chicks meet and greet and private concert. I told Destiny that if my office told me I couldn't leave then I'd have to quit. Yes, the Dixie Chicks do mean more to me than saving Jewish Souls. I am a sick, sick person.

Just filled in my brackets

Just entered my brackets for the Sweet 16. I'm guessing OSU beats Maryland by 5 in the Final. My choices are based on an exact science called the "Susanne Method". Its a blend of supporting teams I've grown up caring about through the early rounds (UCLA, USC) to advancing teams that I think will bring out hot celebs as they root for their favorites (think Matthew McConnaughey ripping off his shirt after a Texas victory) to picking who I think will be this year's George Mason longshot (I've chosen Virginia Commonwealth to make it to the third round beating both Duke and Pitt before losing to UCLA). I created a pool on Facebook that I invite you all to join. Its called Yeshiva U should be in the Sweet 16! and the tagline is: "For all of us yidden in the Heights and beyond that wish there were more Yeshiva basketball phenoms. Tamir Goodman was not enough!" Now I know what you're thinking, "but Susanne, you were a Yeshiva basketball phenom." You're right, I was. As a Lady Macabbee, I once had 5 baskets in a single game. But I did not let it all go to my head. But thats neither here nor there. I hope you all join a March Madness pool because they are quite fun. Pick names out of a hat. Use a pin the tail on the donkey blindfold. But as Nike always said, Just Do It.

Raising kids in apartments

In many a conversation I've remarked how sad it would be to raise my children in an apartment. Now don't get me wrong, I've seen some fricken awesome apartments during my stay in New York. Once at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser that I volunteered at I couldn't tear my eyes away from the gorgeous penthouse view of Central Park. This joint had more square footage than my parent's two-story house. Plus it came with a full kitchen staff that the bitchy lady who owned it forced the Senator to meet and greet before the shindig began. If I were rich enough to own a penthouse with slaves, ahem, servants, I would move to the fricken burbs. I loved living in the suburbs. I love hopping in the car to drive (literally) across the street to pick up a carton of milk. I loved having a heated pool in the backyard (which we never used, it was there for show). I loved having a front yard on which all the neighbors dogs would come and crap. I loved watching the gardners come once a week and clean up after the dogs. But the thing I just might have loved most of all....was toilet papering other people's houses. My high school crew and I would go out fairly often and TP (as the kids these days call it) another, less cool individual's house. Myself, not being as fit as my friends, nor being the Captain of the soccer team, usually served as getaway driver. I was good at that job. I was also the only one sober. Prior to high school, in my not as cool years, I was the victim of a toiletpapering or two. The most traumatizing was the time my own soccer team had a sleepover that I was not invited to and they came and toiletpapered my house. But that not the worst part. The worst part was the girl's mom was frugal and instead of toiletpaper had them using shredded documents. Like bank statements, bills, and letters. My mom, pissed off cause she hates cleaning stuff up, went through the piles and deciphered a name from the statements. Discovering my teammate's father's name she didn't hesitate to call him on the phone at 7 AM Sunday morning. Needless to say, the girls all trekked back in their bathrobes to clean up the mess as my mom stood over them watching to make sure they didn't miss a piece. Time passed and my dad said I was going to be late for Sunday School. I hated Sunday School to begin with so having to leave the house and face the mortification made the circumstances far, far worse. But I did it, because a Jewish education is a sad thing to waste. The moral of this story is not the lesson I should have learned in junior high that I should have carried over to high school of not toiletpapering people's house because its thoroughly emabarrassing. No no. Its to not raise my children in an apartment. Why you might ask? Tonight I witnessed what may have been the saddest thing of my life. As I exited the A train on my way to basketball, I noticed that some kids had toiletpapered........the shrubbery in front of 10 Overlook Terrace. And a couple cars parked in front. Seriously, if we really believe the children are our future (sing it Whitney), we will give them lawns, and trees, and garages, and chimneys to toiletpaper. Not shrubbery. Seriously, I feel for them. My heart goes out.

Dougie's to Open New Cafe on Wilf Campus - News

Dougie's to Open New Cafe on Wilf Campus - News

Well, it looks like Lake Como pizza will not be the butt of the Mt. Sinai Purim Shpiel jokes next year, because they just might be strong armed out by this Kosher restaurant giant. But lets remember, the Dougie's Dairy on 72nd Street, although delicious and afforadble, lasted barely a year. Will be interesting to see how this plays out. Stay tuned...

Purim Shpiel

Below is the Mt. Sinai Purim Shpiel. I did my best to bring on the funny, but with only 6 lines in the whole show, there wasn't much I could do. Enjoy!

My New York Times delivery guy sucks

I get the Times 7 days a week. For some reason the weekday delivery dude did not receive a new building key when we changed the locks to the building's main door. This means that I get my Saturday and Sunday papers delivered to my door while my weekday papers I pick up in my apartment's entry vestibule. This means that on Monday morning I don't always know what the weather is going to be like until I get downstairs, grab my paper, and scan the weather blurb on the front page. According to yesterday's copy of the NY Times, (which I base my Monday clothing choices on) today's weather should be in the high 50's/lower 60's, mild for this time of year. So I dressed accordingly based on that info. Today I'm wearing a t-shirt, cotton sweater, jean skirt without tights, tennis shoes, and a light spring raincoat. As I look out the window watching the freezing snow pour down I ponder the notion of a better system. Perhaps listening to Z100 for longer than "The Sleaze" would be a start. Wish me luck. Getting home is going to suck!

Paris' Prime Grill

Nope, Prime Grill is not opening an outpost in France. I was browsing a fave website TMZ early this week and kept reading stories and watching clips of Paris Hilton's recent birthday party. The kept saying the party was held in Los Angeles at Prime Grill. I thought that was an amusing coincidence. Theres a restaurant in LA that has the same name as a kosher hotspot in NY. Prime Grill on East 49th Street is the go to place for many wealthy business men that need to find kosher food and a classy locale. I've been there twice. Once with friends, the other for a SCW student council "event". You often encounter frum celebrities like Avraham Fried and...um, thats about it. Turns out they did in fact just open a Beverly Hills restaurant and it has become the "It" restaurant for young celebs. When Donald Trump wants to woo frum LA businessmen he takes them there. When kosher Golden Globe winner Sacha Baron Cohen's frum mom and dad are in from the UK, he brings them there. But the chophouse was put on the map last week when Paris chose Prime Grill Beverly Hills for her 26th birthday party. Come on. I know celebs like to waste money on stupid things. Like million dollar cars that they are just going to have impounded after their next DWI. But kosher food? Thats just crazy. If you're hungry, and you don't keep kosher? For God's sake, go to Fatburger or Pinks. Make me proud.

Segulah Kiddush

In my attempt to be the complete antithesis of the Jewish Feminist that I was labled in my previous blog post, I have decided to sponsor the upcoming Mt. Sinai Shabbos Mevarchim Kiddush. Why you may ask? As I entered the world of Orthodoxy I became familiar with the word segulah. Literally a treasure, its interpreted, by me at least, to mean mazel, or good fortune. Everywhere you go you find segulah. At weddings its a segulah for the kallah to pass around her jewelry to single friends at the chuppah. Its a segulah to take a swig of the germy leftover chuppah or sheva brachas wine. And my favorite wedding segulah, segulah challah. I love my carbs. Poppy seeds not as much, but yummy eggy challah is quite tasty.

Those were the first segulot I was introduced to. Then my friends started having babies. So my boss would bring cookies into the office after a bris and say eat this, its a segulah. He's a Rabbi so I believed him and ate it. I am not yet pregnant so so much for that.

I take part in segulah behavior because who knows what might help my situation. I'm a single chick. I'd like to get married so I can move out of God awful New York. If someone tells me eat a cookie, it might help, I say mezonos and eat the cookie. When I was on Birthright the Summer of 2003 I was the oldest person on my bus. I signed up for a "frum" trip because I didn't want my first Israel experience to be defined by how many Tel Aviv discos I visited or how many beer bongs I drank or how many hookahs I smoked. Little did I know that this meant 23-year-old working girl Susanne was going to be surrounded by 18-year-old Lubavitch girls from a seminary in Florida. Their only goal during this trip was to convince our madricha to take us to Amukah, the tomb of Jonathan ben Uzziel (who was said to have written the Kabballah), where unmarried people travel to be granted blessings to find a marriage partner. Well, 3 1/2 years later and I bet half of that bus is married with children. Maybe I didn't daven hard enough. Or, Chabad's acceptance of marriage after 3 shidduch dates has made it easier for those girls to get hitched. Who knows? All I know is when we arrived I got out of the bus, went into the tomb, and said a perek of Tehillim. Why? Because I was there.

Another segulah I recently learned about was that it is customary for a couple to sponsor a kiddush when they have a daughter. When you have a son, you have a bris and a Seudas Mitzvah (festive meal) follows the circumcision. So I guess someone long ago said, we really should encourage people that have daughters to celebrate their good fortune by having a kiddush. Preferably one with chulent. Everyones loves chulent. So now all my friend's that have daughters get together with others in their shuls who have been blessed with a little girl and do a kiddush. Somehow over the years a rumor was inserted into this idea that girls who were never given a kiddush to celebrate their birth would never be married, or something to that effect. Being a baal teshuva, I kind of doubt that my parents sponsored a kiddush in my honor. I don't think they even went to temple back then. I don't even think they knew what a kiddush was back then, other then it being the blessing over the Shabbos wine.

I saw today on one of the many Yahoo groups of which I'm a member, that a shul in Passaic is making a kiddush available for women like myself to finally experience this long overdue kiddush, and hopefully wash away that bad fortune that our parents afflicted on us years ago. So I picked up the phone to call the lady and express my interest when I realized I could donate to my own shul's kiddush that week with the same goal in mind. I realize I can't be the only person in the neighborhood that would be interested in being part of this. Already, I have one friend who is FFB that doesn't think her parents held one for her, and even one guy interested in being part. Again, I'm not saying that sponsoring a segulah kiddush is going to be the answer to my prayers, but who knows? I'm going to be there. I might as well grab a bowl of chulent and hope I meet my bashert.

P.S. If you would like to join be part of this kiddush feel free to email me. Even if you aren't a member of Mt. Sinai, even if you live in Antartica. If you are a women who never had a kiddush, or you have a daughter that you'd like to shower with this extra blessing, please let me know.

Auditions for Mt. Sinai Announcer

For those of you who know me, you know two things.

1) I'm loud and 2) I wasn't always religious.

Last Friday night, as usual, the shul's former Vice President rose to the bimah to make the Shabbos Announcements. At the end he announced that he is being replaced. Admittingly, he sometimes rambles on about certain things, especially personal Mazel Tovs, but the fella also represents old school Mt. Sinai. He raised his children in this neighborhood and has been a member for many years. For that reason I have never minded him getting up there. Every week, we saw the joy he felt looking into the full pews. As recently as 6 years ago, those same pews sat nearly empty.

He announced to the full sanctuary that it has been decided by the shul board that he should step down from his position as announcer so we could make way for a new, younger member to take his place. In fact, he announced that there would be an "American Idol" like contest to find his successor. I asked some of my shul board member friends and they confirmed that it had been decided at a recent meeting. I even inquired whether or not a female would be eligible and was told that they were not and was given a litany of excuses for this.
Excuses:
1) The announcements take place during davening. Rebuttal: They COULD be made after davening concludes, just as we did when we began Mt. Sinai's Young Leadership minyan following our mass exodus from the Bridge Shul. Why did we leave the Bridge Shul? Because the leadership was not open to making changes to accomodate the influx of the Washington Heights young modern members. Hmmmm.

2) The set up of the sanctuary would require the woman ascending the bima. Rebuttal: The woman could speak at the men's section entrance, opposite the Ark. The section is set up so that the men are facing one another, not the Ark, so to see the announcer they could look to their right instead of their left.

3) Rabbi Schnaidman made up his mind that it cannot be done. Rebuttal: Has anybody, EVER, heard the Rabbi actually say this, and if he has, has it been in the last 20 years? I think we are giving too little credit to our Rabbi. Admittingly, he's been in the rabbinate for many years, but even he has acknowledged that this shul has changed since he ascended its pulpit.

That said when I was browsing our community website Maalot I came across this post:

Mt. Sinai Announcement Auditions

So You Think You Can Announce?

Mt. Sinai will be holding open auditions to find the brightest post-tefillah announcements talent.

Beginning this week (March 2-3), applicants (shul members only) will be given one chance, a single trip to the podium, to prove that they have what it takes to clearly and concisely convey the week's announcements to the kehilla. After every applicant has had a turn, shul members will be directed to the shul website where they will vote for their favorite and decide who will be the new voice of Mt. Sinai.

Auditions will end on March 24 (latest) and the winner, decided by the online polling, will begin his duties after Pesach.


Mt. Sinai will be holding open auditions to find the brightest post-tefillah announcements talent? How can that possibly be the case when women aren't even allowed to "audition"? Brightest MALE talent more like, which hey, doesn't say much in my book. Other than the last line which says he "will begin his duties after Pesach" there is no other way to know its only open to men. I of course replied "Maybe you should clarify this is for males only since talented females are unable to attain the position. Although that in my opinion should be open to debate as well." Hopefully this will spark a conversation in our shul. Plenty of modern Orthodox shuls, including some in Teaneck and Mount Vernon, allow women to address the congregation after services. Why should we be so backwards.

And for all the naysayers, maybe its time to stop hiding behind the Rabbi. When I spoke to people that I'm pretty sure were personally opposed to it, they said, welllll I'm alright with it, but Rabbi Schnaidman is not. If you're not okay with it say so. If you really do support it, encourage a dialougue.

Now, back to where I started. I'm loud and engaging. I could potentially be a wonderful after-davening announcer. I am also a Baal Teshuva so I have definitely stepped foot on bimas in the past, including at my Bat Mitzvah where I stood in my pink talis and read my Torah Portion just like all the other boys and girls in my class. I refuse to accept the fact that being Orthodox means unyielding to change. Our communities have b"H become more welcoming to diversity. In Teaneck, you've got one dude in a black hat with a sheital wearing wife and he sits in shul next to a guy in a srugy who's wife doesn't cover her hair and wears pants. Somehow they've accepted how the other practices his religion. Each of their homes is Kosher and Shomer Shabbos.

The thing that irks me the most is that Mt. Sinai is soooo proud of itself for setting up this exciting, revolutionary contest to replace a guy who actually deserves to be giving the announcements. He is going to be replaced by some hotshot guy who just signed his second one-year lease on his Bennett Ave apartment. I'm not saying I necessarily want this job. But I do think I'd be good at it. I do think I deserve a fair opportunity to "audition". I am a member of this shul, paying dues which have climbed to a rate that frankly, I'm not sure I can afford any longer. And what do I get in return? Two dollars off at any shul event? A monthly newsletter? It shouldn't just be a punchline for the Purim Shpiel. These are real concerns that I have. Its not a joke. I refuse to hide behind the Rabbi. If we do not stay open minded, some of us just might need to find someplace that is.

When Kashrus Alerts are funny.

Sixteen Bean Soup Mix with Ham Seasoning UPC #75480753595:

The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Company-Montvale, NJ: This product bears an unauthorized OU symbol and is being withdrawn from the marketplace. Individuals spotting this product are requested to contact the Orthodox Union at 212-613-8148 or via email at kashalerts@ou.org.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I come across a product like that, I first get ecstatic that I can once again taste the yumminess of pork products (the delicious fake soy bacon provided by Morningstar does not always cut it), but before I throw the can in my cart, I will first peruse the Nutritional Content chart on the side of the can. I'm sure after listing all 16 beans used to make this delightful soup, there would be some reference to ham. Ham comes from pigs and the last time I checked, pigs are treif. Whoever needed this kashrus alert to inform them that their ham soup was treif, God help them.

Quick side story: One of the most yummy kosher meals is making a Mornigstar Bacon Cheeseburger using one of their veggie burgers and their fake bacon with a slice of my favorite Smart Beat cheese. A few years ago I was eating one of these for dinner when my Breur's neighbor stopped by my apartment and told me how wonderful my meal smelled. B"H she didn't ask what I was eating. Had I said a bacon cheeseburger she probably would have dropped dead.

BREAKING NEWS: Addison leaving Greys!

My favorite character (behind both George and the Nazi and way the hell above Meredith) Dr. Addison Montgomery may very well be leaving Grey's Anatomy. Bad news? Well, on the upside, Reuters claims its to film and star in....drum roll please...a Grey's Anatomy spin-off based on her role as a neonatal surgeon. No news on where it will be based, perhaps NYC, which hasn't had a good medical show in a long time (hello anyone remember this Fall's 3 lbs? Yeah, neither do I). The two-hour pilot is expected during May sweeps. I'm kind of undecided on how I feel. I really like her on Grey's but maybe her storyline lately is a little flat, although it would pick up if she'd just hook up with Carev already! But if its all about slimming the large cast, my first choice is Isaiah Washington. He needs to go!

Happy Ash Wednesday!

I know Ash Wednesday is a solemn occasion for my Christian friends, but to me, its my favorite New York City holiday. Unfortunately I read a blurb in the paper yesterday citing that alternate side parking has been suspended today due to Ash Wednesday. Its a shame because the specialist part of the day is the 10 minutes it takes you to recall why the heck all these people have dirt on their foreheads. I usually have to walk by a minimum of 17 people before the thought occurs to me that they purposely had the ash placed there. Its hard for a nice Jewish girl to fathom getting dirty on purpose. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent and always takes place 46 days before Easter Sunday. During Lent devout Christians usually choose to give up something that they usually do, like eating meat on Fridays. Jews would never choose to give up anything. Not being able to eat bread for a week during Passover is a huge affliction in my book and not something I would willingly take on. To all you Christians out there...RESPEK!!! If you need me, I'll be spending my lunch hour sitting outside the church on 37th and Broadway in awe of the revelers receiving their ashes. Mad props.

My productive day off...

Usually on a day off I never roll out of bed. Well yesterday was no exception. I didn't peel myself away from my yummy jersey sheets until 12:30ish. The Reifer and I made plans to do something, anything, yesterday on President's day. So we decided we'd head out to the movies even though the bulk of new releases were either atrociously disgusting, or I'd already watched them on Peekvid. As we were leaving we got a call that a friend of a friend had free passes to the Guggenheim Museum. Being generally culturephobic I was still inclined to head to the latest B comedy, but hell, the tickets were free so we headed over to Museum Mile. The Guggenheim is a visually incredible building, designed I guess by some important architect, and can be seen in this ridiculously dated picture.

When you begin to enter the foyer you realize, hey, it was that cool outside, it'll be even cooler from the inside. And sure enough, it looked sooooo awesome.

So we had a great time walking around looking at pictures of monks dressed up in KKK costumes, possibly for Purim, who knows. There were also a bunch of Picassos including normal ones that weren't painted when he was dropping acid. Although, Reifer and my favorite Picasso was this one where he drew in his own crazy way a rack of meat and it was exhibited right next to a couple other artists attempting to regularly paint the meat. It was as if Picasso was making fun of their ordinary still life paintings. But the ultimate visual stimulation was the Salvador Dali paintings. Now seriously, that dude was on crack. And Reifer being the art genius she is told us interesting stories, like about how her art professor in college was obsessed with this one Goya painting we saw and made them study it for weeks so that she knew all the secret details of the painting. According to her, the teacher believed she really was the woman in the painting. Spooky.

We left there at around 4:30 and had time to spare before all-you-can-eat sushi at Eden Wok, so we decided in the end to go see a movie after all. We decided on Music and Lyrics, the new Hugh Grant romcom which played out identical to every other movie hes been in, except for The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, cause that movie just plain sucked. This version of the fish out of water British dude meeting quirky American female was just average. The only redeeming factor was that we saw it at the Loews Lincoln Center and 90% of the movie was taped within like 5 blocks from where we sat. That was pretty nifty. In fact, when we crossed the street to head to Eden Wok (which BTW has the same cross streets as Hugh's apt in the movie) we passed the restaurant where they encountered Drew's ex in the film. That was cool.

Then Reifer and I ate sushi until we both got sick and waddled over to the subway for the trip home. I'm happy that I was so productive yesterday and injected some culture into my life. Art, film, and sushi, all in one day. I have become quite the socialite.

My first time doing stand-up comedy...

Contrary to prior belief, I am pretty damn shy. In general, I know I'm funny. Amongst a small group of friends I can keep them giggling for hours on end. But other than this blog, I rarely express my humor to a mass audience. That was, until last night. At my shul, Mount Sinai Jewish Center of Washington Heights, we welcomed the proclaimed comedian of Jerusalem and the starter of the Off the Wall Comedy Empire, Dovid Kilimnick. I was asked by my buddy Margie to introduce Dovid and she asked me to be funny while I was up there. I was totally nervous but I think I kept my cool pretty well and didn't freak out. So basically, I came up with a short shtick basically describing the hardest thing about being frum and single isn't dating...but finding a roommate. Unlike most comedians, everything I mentioned was 100% true and each instance happened to me, like for real. I've just led a very very funny life. I always have competitions with my friends to discover who has the most screwed up roommate stories. I always win this battle. Not all the stories are funny (suicide attempts, eating disorders, etc) but some are (sleepwalkers, uber-relgious, getting run over by trucks, etc). I felt I needed to share my experiences with the world. So of course I uploaded the video to YouTube. Enjoy!

Happy Valentines Day!

Two things to brighten your Valentine's Day. Well, actually a third thing. This was originally forwarded to me by my shtark roommate and shtark people don't generally acknowledge Valentine's Day. I thought that was cute. Thanks ST. Oh, and Happy Birthday to my shtarkest friend of all, Margie!

1. Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. " Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad,and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how Much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells, and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker!

2. Singles Awareness Day (SAD) is a humorous holiday celebrated on February 14 (although some prefer the 13th or the 15th to get away from the commercialism associated with the 14th). It serves as an alternative to Valentine's Day for people who are single: that is, who are not involved in a romantic relationship and can therefore not participate in Valentine's Day traditions. Some observers of SAD do so out of spite for Valentine's Day, as a Hallmark holiday, or for other reasons.

On Singles Awareness Day single people gather to celebrate or to commiserate in their single status. Some want to remind romantic couples to remember those less fortunate than they are. A common greeting on this day by its adherents is "Happy SAD!"

Sadly, the day is often used by less-friendly couples as a day to simply remind the singles they know about their current, uninvolved status.[citation needed]

The holiday is a good example of self-deprecating humor.

Good times.

5 Grammys!

The Dixie Chicks went 5 for 5 last night at the 49th Annual Grammys awards winning everything they were nominated for, included the big three, Album of the Year, Record of the Year, and Song of the Year. As all of you know, I am a longtime fan of the Chicks, ever since the day I heard their anthem Wide Open Spaces as I was readying myself to trek across the country alone for college. And just like Natalie said last night, for the first time in my life I am speechless. Congrats Dixie Chicks. Thank you for not backing down. Freedom of speech is alive and kicking in America. Country radio made the selfish choice of denying Americans the beauty of Taking the Long Way. Hopefully with last night's win, those who didn't have the chance to hear the album the first time around will get up the courage to drive over to Wal*Mart and pick up this masterpiece. Whether you agree or disagree with their politics and wholeheartedly support the office of the president, you should also support the foundation of our great country. The Bill of Rights is a beautiful document. I encourage all of the Chicks naysayers to read it sometime.

Jerk of the day goes to...

I just read an article about a NYC Cabbie who found 31 diamond rings in the back of his cab and spent his entire day tracking down the man who left them. As a reward the cheapskate jeweler gave him $100 bill. Are you shitting me? If I lost those I would have given the guy $1000 check. What an ass! I lost my $50 cell phone last year and would have given the guy who found it $100 if he returned it. He would have saved me the hours of aggravation I spent fighting with Verizon over my new phone and endless emails I spent trying to recover my lost phone numbers. Theres sooo few good samaritans out there. Lets keep the ones we've got.

New Link

I'm adding a new link to the blog's sidebar. The title is a winner all the way- Frum Satire: The Rantings of A Frum Yid With A Warped Perspective. I've just sat down and read a bunch of his posts, and they are pretty amazing. He talks honestly and openly about topics of great importance in the frum community. Plus he's funny as hell!! Enjoy! I sure am.

Amarillo Sky

When I was at the Bull Riding competition with Sho last month we discussed the hit country song "Amarillo Sky" by newcomer Jason Aldean. At the time I had only recently heard it and didn't think much of it. Sho told me I should pay attention to the lyrics. Jason is describing the plight of the American farmer. Times are tough for farm owners. They always have been, but nowadays its even more so. As the lyrics state, "diesel's worth the price of gold. And it's the cheapest grain he's ever sold. But he's still holding on". The part that really gets me is the chorus which tells the story of the hardship the farmer endures and the committment that he has to his land. Jason sings, "He just takes the tractor another round. And pulls the plow across the ground. And sends up another prayer. He says Lord I never complain, I never ask why, But please don't let my dream run dry." These men and women work long hours sometimes to no avail. There could be an Act of God like a tornado or a drought and their year's income will be gone. But c'est la vie, that's life. Thats how their fathers and grandfathers lived their lives. My heart goes out to these brave Americans. I've always known the sacrifices these family farms made, but Jason Aldean's song and especially his video put faces to the stories.

Additionally I was reading an article in the NY Times this morning about the scarcity of veterinarians for farm animals. Farmers are losing livestock during routine deliveries because theres no doctor around in case of difficult labors. Most of the vets admitted to being drawn away from farms because caring for small domestic pets is much better business. It doesn't pay for farmers to spend money on expensive surgeries, when on the other hand people like my Mom and Dad would be happy to dole out the big bucks to make sure Muffy the Maltese is kept perfectly healthy.

This is the video for the song and opens with some of the young men who live this life telling their stories. Its poignant. Check it out:

The Office

I am a recent fan of the Steve Carrell show "The Office". I don't think its God's Gift to Television like most people of late (duh, God's Gift was 90210). One of the most endearing aspects of the show are the pranks that are pulled (usually by Jim and Pam) on their ridiculous coworkers (usually Dwight and Andy). Some genius has compiled a list of their pranks on a website.

I have two favorite pranks. One was from last week's episode when Jim and Pam stole kiss butt Andy's cell phone that Andy had sooo proudly uploaded with a ringtone he had painstakenly created with his own acapella skills. Jim and Pam threw the cell phone onto the ceiling tile right above Andy's head and called the phone periodically throughout the day driving Andy nuts.

The best prank EVER is when Jim stole Dwight's stationary and started sending him faxes from Dwight's Future Self. Dwight is sooo dense he really thought his future self had someone bent the space time continuum to come back in time to warn himself about mundane things. Hysterical!

Great show! Bravo inspired cast!

Maureen Agrees...

Maureen Dowd's column today in the New York Times was excellent. I recommend you all check it out. I always admire Maureen's candor and thoroughly enjoy how she seems to articulate my very own thoughts. She speaks the truth about what goes on in our nation's Capitol with what many regard as a liberal tint. But mostly I think its the truth plain and simple.

Today she talked about Dick Cheney's role in the current Iraqi conflict and how he has "an inspired alienation from reality". She even quoted the VP much like I did in Thursday's post in regards to the White House's reaction to bills criticizing the current surge of troops, “It won’t stop us,” Cheney remarked.

Maureen, you make my Wednesdays and Saturdays a little brighter. The only way I could be more excited is if they decide to include your column in the Times 7 days a week. A girl can wish.

Real or Fake?

Tamar thinks its all baloney but I've seen brides freak on their wedding day so who knows...You be the judge. The bride enters around 4:25 on the tape. This just enhances my belief that Xanax is a key element of a successful wedding.

What am I thinking?

Weather report for Friday, January 26th:

Partly cloudy with scattered flurries. Blustery and colder with highs around 20. Northwest winds 15 to 25 mph with gusts up to 35 mph. Wind chill values as low as 6 below.

Why the F%#* do I still live in New York?

Wish me luck.

Well, I didn't vote for him...or his boss

Vice President Dick Cheney was quoted in the Times this morning saying, "It won't stop us," on CNN, discussing the Senate Foreign Relations committee's approval of a resolution opposing President Bush's plan to send more troops to Iraq.

Last I checked we had this beautiful thing called checks and balances. If the president ever came up with some ludicrous plan congress could say, hold on a second there sir, my constituents (read: voters and taxpayers) wholeheartedly don't approve of your initiative. Can the president really think he can run a totalitarian regime? Apparently he does. Wikipedia smartly describes it as "maintain(ing) themselves in political power by means of single-party state, secret police, propaganda disseminated through the state-controlled mass media, personality cult, regulation and restriction of free discussion and criticism, the use of mass surveillance." Most of those seem to describe him well in my book. "Restriiction of free discussion and criticism?" Is that like how the Dixie Chicks were cut down three years ago for pointing out President Bush's misguided march to Iraq? I only wish more influential Americans had stood up then to say the same damn thing. "Mass surveillance?" Well, thank God thats not something Presient Bush ever considered.

The New York Times listed 22 US soldiers who died yesterday in Iraq. Of the 22, 2 were Colonels, 1 was a Lieutenant Colonel, 1 was a Major, and 1 was a Captain. This is no longer a war where only "disposable" foot soldiers are being killed. How many more brave Americans need to die before this becomes clear? I can't handle spending every morning on the subway tearing up while reading about a young father of two who was blown away in the sectarian violence. Enough is enough. We impeached President Clinton, the greatest modern president, for canoodling with an intern. But our current president is going to send 40,000 more troops to risk their lives. You thought your State of the Union speech would convince your voters, taxpayers, and naysayers, to stop their criticism, but I'm sorry Mr. President, "It won't stop us".

Mount Sinai hosting Comedy Event

It may be early (I know, very un-Susannelike) but I want you to mark your calendars for an awesome event taking place at my shul, Mount Sinai Jewish Center, on Wednesday evening, February 14th. My buddy Margie saw this incredible comedian during her last trip to Eretz Yisroel and begged him to perform in our shul during his next US tour...and he agreed. David Kalimnick will be performing his hit one-man standup comedy show entitled: "The Aliyah Monolgues: Find Me a Wife". So bring your friends, bring your roommates, bring your mom, bring your rabbi, bring your Saw You At Sinai shidduch date, bring your fiance, bring your chavrusa, bring your SOY seforim sale purchases, bring your husband, hire a babysitter for your kid and come to the show. His show will be kosher (contrary to prior belief that if I'm promoting the event it must be racy), so everyone is welcome! As kosher as Bagel City challah at least. For more info visit the event posting on Bangitout. Margie also wants me to "open" for him. Not sure exactly what that means but apparently she thinks I'm funny or something. Hope to see you there!!!

Chabad Rules!

That's all I have to say about that.

Is Paula Abdul for real?

Seriously, we all know that she is messed up, but why on Earth did the American Idol producers allow her to go on these interviews in the state shes in? Hell, I'd rather watch Randy Jackson saying "dawg" for an hour. Oy Vey! Check these out. Even the interviewers are unable to keep a straight face.

Law & Order

I guess if I were in charge or picking a location for filming Law & Order Criminal Intent, Washington Heights would be a natural choice. Located in upper Manhattan it looks like a scuzzier place than it really is. I mean, with the Starbucks hidden around the corner from the camera's view finder it looks like any other street corner of Harlem. Only this is Washington Heights. Home of the yuppie. Sure, we still have plenty of Dominicans but like they say, "If you build it (Starbucks) they will come (yuppies)". Don't get me wrong I love my Hispanic neighbors, they are incredibly nice, its the yuppies that get on my nerves. Anyway, when I got home from work last night they were taping the popular show in front of my apartment. I saw Chris Noth's chair. Yes, seeing Mr. Big's chair was very exciting. My life is pretty dull.

I sat on my fire escape to watch the filming below (bird's eye view is always best) and could see the makeshift set across the street where their requisite "dead body" was covered in a white sheet and humorously popped up a couple times between takes to get shelter and keep warm scaring the crap out of the kids who came to watch. I guess lying on the ground in a sheet is pretty chilly.

And then directly below was where Chris and his partner were "interrogating" their "perp". Yeah, I'm down with the police show lingo.

I also took a couple videos which basically showed the action while I commentated(ex. "um, and theres Chris Noth...uh, walking down the steps. Cool"). I didn't upload those videos yet though. Trust me, you ain't missing anything. The only true excitement came when I almost dropped my phone off the fire escape and when the crane that was brought in for lighting almost crashed into the Washington Heights eruv. It being late Thursday night and a kiddush in shul Shabbos day, if Law & Order broke my eruv they would have had hell to pay. I'd be pissed. Anyway, thats my exciting Washington Heights story. Have a Good Shabbos!

Professional Bull Riding

Okay, I've been known to frequent the Rodeo Bar, but then again, who hasn't been there. But I've never been to a real rodeo. I know right?! What girl owns not one but two cowboy hats and has not yet been? That was until this weekend.

I got tickets on Craigslist for the Professional Bull Riders competition at Madison Square Garden. Little did I know that I'd become sooo obsessed. Initially I just wanted an excuse to wear my hat and boots. I bought tickets for Sunday's show but found out that one of my first favorite country singers, Clay Walker, was performing during the intermission of Saturday night's show. So of course I needed to get tickets for that as well. I went with my buddy Destiny Saturday and to my relief they were not checking tickets at each level so we got out at the first level and sat in a row right next to the chutes. Awesome view. We saw all the bulls as they awaited their turn to throw the riders to the ground. We were surrounded by a group of Brazillians there to cheer on the Brazillian World Champion rider Adriano Moraes. Last year this dude made $1.36 million riding bulls! Afterwards we headed to Yogi's my favorite country bar in NY. Dest and I had a great time (as always) and lots of hot cowboys were hitting on me. But I looked hot so who can blame them.

A couple girls were so drunk they were dancing on the bar. I of course took pictures of said event to preserve its posterity.



The next day I returned with Sho D and we sat in what I thought were the same seats as the night before but turned out to be one section closer to the action. Little did we know, but we were sitting in the rider's family and VIP block of seats. After an hour or so Sho says "Dude, do you see who that is?!" So I look to see who the dude is who sat in the seat beside us. It was none other than country music LEGEND George Strait!!!
George was so cool, he was just sitting there minding his own business. George being a very traditional old school country artist in New York City, he totally went undetected. Undetected by everyone other than us that is. I had to sneak pitures of him so I'd believe myself when I shared the stories with my friends later that night. Sho and I were having cows in the row directly behind him. I stepped out of our row to get a better look at him and as I did he got up out of his seat, nodded a hello to me, and all I could mumble was a quiet howdy. I totally lost my nerve to ask for a picture. I'm sooo bummed out.

After he left Sho struck up conversation with this bull rider who was on the disabled list that was sitting in front of us. He confirmed it really was George Strait and he filled us in about life on the Pro Bull Riding tour. The rider's name was Jim but I forgot his last name. Jim was an awesome awesome dude. Hopefully he'll be back on the bulls soon!

Anyway, bull riding is awesome. These riders are true athletes and the bulls are as well. But the ultimate bravery was shown by the rodeo clowns. These are the dudes that distract the bulls when the bull really just wants to step on the rider he just bucked off. They thrown their hats at him, hit the bull on the nose, anything to piss it off and draw attention from the rider. These are crazy crazy dudes. But so brave. My hats off to you. Pro Bull Riding was one of the most awesome experiences I've had in a long time. I encourage everyone to check it out. And for those naysayers who claim how cruel this is to the animals, they need to see how respected the bulls are in this sport. The bull is King!

Nuns on Ice

Tamar and I went skating today at Bryant Park. We've only gone a couple times and wanna get in as much skating as possible before the rink closes next Thursday. I guess a nearby convent had the same idea. There was a whole group of nuns there today. I felt bad because I felt compelled to take pictures (unobtrusively with my camera phone, not my big honkin' camera). I felt bad because I know thats what other people do when they see like a Chasidic Jew walking around Disneyland. Oh well, I still needed proof of what I saw or I wouldn't believe it later. It was great to see them out enjoying themselves. I'm glad that there are still young women out there like myself who want to be part of the God Squad. Are you in?

Whoops, how'd that one get in there? Oh Tamar. You're such a ballerina on skates.

Refuah Shleima (Get Well Soon)

I want to wish a refuah shleima (a full recovery) to my buddy Tovey who is suffering from self-diagnosed hair straightener elbow. It was actually confirmed by ED our resident PT/OT/WhateverT over Shabbos lunch at which point I stopped giggling. Feel better!

PeekVid

Okay, I owe this one completely to Avi Z. He just called to ask to borrow my first season of Felicity. Don't know many dudes who watched the show, but hey, if hes manly enough to borrow it, props to him. You are the bomb Avi. Anyway, the reason Avi wanted to borrow my DVDs was that according to him, he wasn't able to watch the show on PeekVid. I just figured this was any other bittorrent site. But he informed me that you can watch movies, tv shows, and more without downloading them. They are all on pop up screens that you can watch online much like YouTube and Google Video. Long story short, it rules. I am watching the Borat movie right now and plan to cancel Showtime since the only show I subscribe for is on this site. Thanks Avi for saving me 8 bucks a month. You rule. Just wanted to share my good fortune with y'all. Take it easy.

New Tim McGraw Video

I just got an email from TimMcGraw.com and lo and behold, Tim released a new video which I assume will be for the first single off his new album which I assume means its coming sometime in the near(ish) future. I'm sooo fired up! The song is called Last Dollar (Fly Away) with a surprise ending. Its actually quite adorable but I guessed the ending halfway into the song and ruined the surprise for myself. Oh well. Enjoy!